Thursday, July 12, 2012

Moving On - Can You Date Your Friend's Ex?

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This is the second part of the first post titled How Long should a guy wait? Let me remind you a bit of the scenario. There is this lady who has a toaster but she is still praying to get direction on the relationship. There are several things she did not like about the guy including the fact that he showed his feelings too early, and he has a daughter from a previous relationship. But she likes that he is generous and keeps him around as a platonic friend for 2 years.

Along the line, a friend of our lady got to know about the generous Niceguys, and she encouraged our lady to eat a fat frog. That is another way to say, if you want to do anything, do it properly. However, our lady preferred to keep to the status quo. That is, she wanted to eat her cake and have it too.

This friend of our lady finally got to meet our man. They had a couple of conversations, one at our lady's place, and another while they were both in London and they hit it off. Within a couple of months, friend started dropping hints to our lady starting by asking if she ever did have any romantic relationship with the guy. Our lady confirmed that no, there was no romance and he was just a friend. Her suspicions were aroused, especially when the guy and her friend were no longer calling her as regularly as before.

Her suspicions were confirmed when the guy made an appointment with her and laid bare his heart. He still liked her, but he was now in love with her friend. Her friend he said, was the total package, and he felt, specially suited to him. In the four months since they started talking, she had met his family, his daughter, and she took care of him in all ways. Read what you will into that. :)

Our lady is annoyed and even after both her friend and the men apologised, she still feels a bit cheated.

So what do you think? If you find out that your ex is dating your friend what will be your reaction? Will you date a friend's ex?








26 comments:

  1. First and foremost seeing that they both never dated, the man therefore cant be described as an "ex". He was just a friend. Secondly the lady deserved what she got. So the man doesnt have better things to do than pine after her for more than two years?
    On the other hand any lady who dates her best friends ex is lower than scum.

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    1. any lady who dates her best friends ex is lower than scum.??? hmmm what if they match??? some rules we invent kills up..to date it is.. last time i checked. "they" said love is blind. :)

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    2. Kiky I am married to my one time best friend's ex and I am not a scum! My friend is happily married with kids and did get married before me. Even if she were still single, it wont have stopped me from dating and marrying my husband. She first heard about us from me and was more concerned about us being happy together and not her being betrayed (that didnt even come up!!)I did not 'snatch' him from her, we both got into the relationship with our hearts clear. Read the story here: http://nonyeanike.blogspot.com/2010/08/our-ije.html I equally have a friend who dated my school boyfriend two years after we left school and I had no qualms with it. That I once dated someone doesn't deny him the freedom of being with whoever he chooses to be with as long as our relationship did not end because of that person.

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  2. The man waited long enough, she actually took too long and time waits for no one.
    Her friend is some one I would describe as "the only book left on the shelf." (no other man was interested in her). She sacrificed her friendship and conscience just to have a man who still had some kind of "relationship" with her friend. She is not smart, I mean, there are so many men out there, must it be the one who has been interested in her friend before? So what if they did not have a romantic relationship, it could have happened in the near future, who knows.
    The number of beats her heart will record each time she sees her friend is enough pain for her!

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  3. i do not see any thing wrong in dating ur BF's Ex..... word EX nt together any more... beside d story of this lady was sad bt still she didnt play her part well... making the young man hold on for 2 yrs and nt in any way develop any feeling what so ever for him and yet collect all the goods he gets for her and she thinks he wuld be there forever, it was not fair on him beside God wuld not come down from heven to tell who to love he only directs your path. her friend didnt go behind her back, there are no rules on who we shld fall for or love its only sad it happened to her because of she never fell in love with him and its nobody's fault...

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    1. u re welcome nonye.... this almost happened to me. am getting married to the guy i keep hanging for 4 yrs, am only greatful that i woke up fast...

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  4. Something similar happened to me. Me, being the one that was 'cheated' so to say. All i can say is make your feelings known about the level of relationship. I never faulted the girl as she had to clue that I had feelings for the guy (or rather I hid it so well). I think there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed for emotion. As per your post, the lady didnt acknowledge dating the girl so she cant say she has rights to the man.

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  5. Emotions are involved here and you cant control it on someone's behalf.

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  6. i really want to ask.......who made up these rules?.....u called him an ex, that means everything you guys had is finito, so why cry foul when he decides to hook up with your friend...we women are our own worst enemies, we get petty over the slightest things. If you have actually moved on from this guy, who he dates shouldn`t bother you. Some girls take "playing hard-to-get" to the most stupid levels....2years and you love him, and u claim that you are just friends....Hello, the world doesn`t revolve around you after all, if you like a man, don`t pretend for crying out loud, nobody is saying fall into bed with him on the first date, but there are subtle hints you can send to him, that will inform him that you return his feelings, all these "village adanma things" are so not in vogue anymore abeg.

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  7. from the story, our Lady clearly says, they were just friends, so she shld not turn around to beef Her Friend.

    as far as dating a best friend's ex goes, its a No no for me sha cuz my best friend is like my sister and we talk abt everything and anything, and that includes our relationships. if somethings were not right and in her best interest, the relationship ends, why would i take over from where she stopped?

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  8. Last year, I had to consider if it was "ethical" to date my close friend's ex-boyfriend (they had dated and broken up almost 10 years ago). I joked about it with my friend and though she is married now, it was sort of clear that I would not receive her "blessing" to proceed. My take is, it is OK to date your friend's ex so long as:
    1. You are not the cause of their break-up
    2. Your friend has given you her "blessing" and is OK with it (doesn't matter if she is with someone new or not) and it will in no way affect your relationship with your friend
    3. The ex didn't cause your friend harm (emotionally, etc) while they were dating
    4. Your friend and her ex did not have anything sexual going on between them while they dated (I'm sorry but I CANNOT date someone my friend has slept with, mba! LOL)

    I also feel that there is plenty of fish in the sea so if you don't date this particular ex, you won't die and the world will not come to a sudden end. I didn't date the guy and have since moved on. No regrets whatsoever.

    #drops mic#

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  9. i asked myself this question with a different perspective "would you be ok with your friend dating your ex?" my answer to this would probably be not ok with that so i guess i would probably not date my friend's ex however never say never....the circumstances could be different and my friend would probably be ok with me dating her ex i guess it depends on individual circumstances there can be no "blanket" answer to this question. I have heard of female's who have encouraged their single and searching friends to date their exes...so you never know...and should any of my friends and exes decide to get toghether i would prefer to hear of it from them first i guess that way i would be more accepting of it..

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  10. I've had exes date my friends and it left me uncomfortable, yet stoic as I slowly realized that life is exactly what it say it is - life. And therefore I cannot control the actions of others.

    Would I personally date the ex of a good friend? No. Because the entire situation would be awkward.

    Good read.

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    1. my sentiments exactly...thank you

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  11. Blessings....
    In a word NO. Once there is an emotional attachment, a like, a crush, its to close and if the other still have feelings then things are likely to get nasty and something will have to give, more than likely the friendship.

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  12. i think dating a good friend's Ex is a No-No, i sure wouldnt be comfortable if any of my friends dated my ex. now its a different question if it was someone i fooled with and there were no serious emotions involved, then thats fair game. i also think its fair game if the friend is more an Acquaintance rather than a friend.

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  13. Technically, they never dated. I would feel strange about dating a friend's ex, but I have come to realize that one should never say never.

    A friend of mine recently broke up with your boyfriend of 16yrs and was thinking of hooking him up with one of her friends. Different strokes for different folks.

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  14. Well, i don't know if i can or cannot. I have a male colleague that told me his wife was an ex to one of his close friends. he actually called the guy to confirm the relationship was over and indicated his interest. i once dated a guy that had a fling with a close friend of mine, i didn't know until we started dating and till date we are all still good friends.

    P.S i think because no sex was involved in all of this relationships,it was easy to adapt and accept.

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  15. Why not, If the guy in question worth dating,for crying out loud it`s her bf Ex so why hold on to something you`ve given up on.

    On the second thought it`s depend on what cause the breakup, it could be good riddance to bad rubbish, why should I be the one to clean him up.

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  16. If I found out my ex is dating my friend I would feel a bit uncomfortable.
    Would I date a friend's ex......No, if they had sex. Yes if they didnt.

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  17. It might hurt some. Who am I kidding? It WILL hurt, but hey, she did not want him and another did.And you know the funny truth, it only hurts more when the girl in question is single, but if she's truly moved on and has a bf, she wouldn't care a fig.
    http://tobechidaniel.blogspot.com

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  18. My best friends ex called me up and wanted us to hook up, I refused to even see him until I have told my friend even though she was already married. She lives in another city while I live in the same city with the ex. Her marriage broke up but from my observation I discovered she still had feelings for the guy and probably hoping they might still get back together because the guy still calls her and sounds as if he still cares. I asked the ex his plans for my friend and he told me plainly that he doesn't have any cos if he intends to go ahead with her his family wont even agree since she had been married before and has a child. I just cleared immediately I discovered my friend was still interested even though I didn't tell her what he said. I only told her the guy is not a force to reckon with. The guy himself was not even serious so I always made sure I never agreed to see him when he tells me he want to do so. If he was serious or my friend was no longer interested I would have still entered the relationship since they didn't have sex but to be frank there would be some awkwardness.

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  19. ...If i found out my friend is dating my ex, i will feel hurt and jealous especially if at that point am still unmarried,but if am married..i wont feel hurt in anyway.

    If i happen to be that friend,definitely i would know the history and the best i can do before the relationship get serious is to tell my friend(the ex)whats going on..its better she hears from me than from outside...at least with that have given her some respect and saved our friendship.

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  20. it is too risky to undertake

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