Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Dear Myne, I love my Ex enough to be his Second Wife

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Please read this to the end before you comment. Thanks!

Dear Myne, i have been enjoying ur blog for a while now. Its like talking to u in person really. Recently, i read where u urged readers to write u about issues concerning relationship that are not working out for them, to seek advice. I wanted to write for a long time but i always hold back. Afraid, yes, i am. I tried to mail my story to u but it always comes back. So i used the facebook page, a risk i wanted to take cos i want ur advice seriously.

I am also hoping that by telling u my story, other respectable readers will assist me with their sincere advice. I have never been married. Not because i didnt want to but because the right man has not come along.

This is my story. I met my first love in 1998. We were so much in love. I just finished secondary school so i never had a BF until i finished. We were dating and already talking about marriage. I wanted to further my studies but my parents could not sponsor me because we were poor. So i was called from lagos by my Dad's friend to work in one of his friends companies so as to save and further my studies. I left in 1999 to lagos. It was difficult parting but i promised to come back after a year to prepare for the marriage. While in lag, i will call my BF from a PayPhone because there NITEL then. Infact, i spent so much money on communcation. Lots of guys asked me out but i also tell them am engaged!

It was in November 2000, my cousin called to inform me that my BF was getting married that weekend!. When i asked him, he said something about his father not wanting to set him up in business unless he gets married. Since i was far away in lagos and he was lonely he met another girl. But the girls parents seeing his interest in their daughter arranged with the father to have the couples married. I have been ever since heartbroken. Now after 11years, with two failed relationships that didnt led into marriage. I found out i still love my Ex! What should i do?

From Myne - I felt that this request needed some holes plugged so I sent a reply probing deeper.

I just read your story and I am touched. I will surely post your story for others to contribute.
On my part, I want to ask if your ex is still married? Has he said he still cares for you/ If so, will you accept to be his second wife?
I want to suggest that you move on but I know sometimes our heart decides who to love.

This was the reply I received;

Yes, he's still married.
No, i have not seen him yet to confirm that. And
Yes, if he ask me again and still loves me, i will love to be a Second wife. Remember am a muslim and a hausa/fulani by tribe. Although, choosing a separate house will be more suitable to the marriage.
I have not seen him for the past 7years, but am told he is based in Abuja and does come to kano often. I do not have his phone number, afraid if i do, i will be tempted to call him.
Yes, to move on will be best. But my heart is in turmoil. Am thinking constantly about him. You know all those old memories that i thought were gone, are coming back to me and occupying my thoughts and heart. I have not thought of him for a long time until recently. Thats why i thought its a sign that we are meant to be together again. And also why i need ur advice. Am open to ur suggestions and advice. Allah knows best.

So please be respectful of her religion as you reply. Cheers.


  1. My own advice is,if you must be his second wife,be very sure he still loves you.For a guy that would leave you to get married to someone else because of distance even after your commitment,he sure seems unreliable.It's true Islam allows a man to have more than one wife,but it's in your own best interest to know he still loves you enough to be his wife.

  2. A-9ja-Great is spot on. I just wonder what good it would do for your self esteem if you cannot let go of the past and his rejection. There's a reason he did not honour your commitment and that's why he's an ex. Let self-love lead you to the right man. Never regard yourself as anyone's second best. You are fortunate that given your religion, you've got more chances of getting married than the average christian woman. Be patient and the right man would come along.

  3. the only reason you think you are still in love with him is because you idealize the sweet memories you had, and you have had 2 bad relationships...... so you want what you had with him, i know because i have been thru it also. but he isn't the same person he was 11yrs ago and he definitely doesn't feel the same about you! sorry i know its had to hear but you really have to move on.you haven't heard from him in 7 years and just started thinking about him recently.it's not him you still love it's what you had with him. don't worry yours will surely come be patient and don't rush into it because if he loved you then 1yr isn't enough for him to move on because he need to start up his business so what makes you think he will love you more than he did 11yrs later

  4. I just think this is a little too preemptive. She has not even heard from the guy with regards to his interest in her, so how can we give her any reasonable advice? What if he wants nothing to do with her and is happy in his marriage? Not all Muslims want second wives. Either she keeps looking for her Mr. right or she contacts the guy and finds out what's up before anything else.

    1. I have to agree with Dr. Sting... it's like saying the soup is salty before you start cooking.
      If we are to assume that the man in question wants the woman. Why would you concede to be a 2nd wife living in a 2nd home... I regardless of what the heart want swhy take 2nd place when you know you deserve better...

      SMH... The people more often than not fall into the EX-Trap because they begin to romanticize all the cherished memories like the other person did no wrong. That's like eating apples because they taste good but you know they give you terrible gas and stomach pains.

  5. My name is Kasi and I support Yinka's comment 100%.

  6. A-9ja-great and yinka are both on point!

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  7. Move on.....
    Are you sure it's love you are feeling?

  8. i think she is in love with the idea of him and what he represented during the time they were together, i hardly doubt she is in love with him as a person, she has barely even seen him and interacted with him. people do change over long periods of times, and he probably wouldnt be the same person she fell inlove with. i think she may be afraid of being single, and her thoughts are being clouded by irrational emotions of her Ex. She needs to hope that she finds the right man, but before her finding the right man, she needs to find peace and love within herself.

  9. Yinka as spoken my mind...this happened to me..i was in a fix for five solid years on an ex...till i realised i was in love with an illusion and not the guy himself...it was so easy to live in the past and wishful thinking. i had no one to blame than myself...

    Anytime he came to my mind, i literally shook it off and told myself to move on. I finally broke free from that bondage through God's help and now I am married to my fanstatic husby. I couldn't have prayed for a better man.

    So dear, the battle is half won in the mind so you have to keep telling yourself it is time to move on...the past is in the past, your future is bright and there is a man out there for you.

  10. The first love is always the hardest to let go of, I think she'll need to really search deep down why she's still hung up on this guy especially after she's had other relationships that failed, sometimes we think we cannot control the things of the heart but really we can, she'll have to decide to move on and do all it takes to do just that whether it's as SWM advised where you shake every thought out of your mind or you focus on another aspect of life maybe pick up a new hobby that does not allow you too much brooding time. Best of luck.

  11. My thought exactly at what Yinka, lovelife4sale & A-9ja-great, on point.

  12. She's in love with the memories of him not the man himself. It's either you let go in your mind or you explore what could be by contacting him.
    I know your background allows it but before you do contact him, put yourself in the place of the existing wife and imagine how you would feel if it was your husband.

  13. I'm from TZ and it's a muslim/christian country.

    Memories can be 'crowding' your heart from moving on. I think you need to see him again and spend time with him before you consider to be with him again. People change over time. You need to get to know the the now HIM and not the guy you loved a decade ago. It might be that you're stuck in your past because you want to be married. Maybe you need closure because you feel like he betrayed you. Just a thought.

  14. Oh man. I can only say, 'there are issues!' What?!

  15. Hmmm.......it's all your emotions my dear. You are simply thinking about him because you haven't found anyone else to show you the true meaning of love. I was once in your shoes, When I ended things with an ex, I felt like my world had come to an end, I just couldn't get over him, I would shamelessly call him, I just wanted to get back with him, and ofcos, he took advantage of my situation. When I look back now, I laugh, it's amazing how I felt he was the one for me and i couldn't do without him. Right now, i' m very happy, I have someone else, and I couldn't ask for a better man! Just thread carefully, and don't get carried away. It's all emotions!!!!

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  17. When I am feeling down or depressed even the most awful ex-boyfriend starts looking 'angelic'.
    Babe, please let go. If he wants you he knows where to find you. seriously.

  18. I have a question. I am in the same predicament as this out aunty, but its jst dat my ex is not married, he is in a relationship with someone esle, but he says he loves me but he will not break up with his present girlfriend until he is sure that i am committed and serious. We have been acting like a couple evr since but he still havent broken up with her. Should i wait around? He loves this oda girl. Or should i just move on?. I know he loves me very much.

    1. Anon,
      if he loved you and wanted to be with you, he'd be with you, FULL TIME.
      After all, he isn't married. Do yourself a favour: Move on.


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