Thursday, May 3, 2012

My Addendum to Grandma's Love and Sex Tips

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Some of you may already have seen this. It was first published by Nerve.com last month and picked up yesterday by Huffington Post after going viral on the interwebs. I have to say that for Grandma, with age came wisdom. Read my notes in bold italics, and let's discuss.

Image Source - Nerve.com

1. To know if you are both in love, you feel a "connection" in bed. If you feel ALONE in bed when having sex, you are with the wrong man. This is CRITICAL! The connection of mind, body, soul!
- Is Grandma saying what I am thinking?!

2. There is real love that everyone wants but it does not happen to everyone - it is called "soul-mates," spiritual, supernatural. This is the highest form of love - it is a religious feeling. You have found God. You know instantly, "love at first sight." You know he was meant for you and he is your real husband, and he knows you are his wife-to-be.
- Amen. Preach it, Sister!

3. When having sex and the female does not enjoy it, I strongly recommend that the female gets on top of the man. It always works, the female has a climax and enjoyment. If he wants to perform oral sex on you, enjoy it!
- LOL...Probably different for everyone. Did Grandma every try it from the back? Ahem!

4. Always make sure the man's penis is CLEAN. Make sure he washes it with soap and water before coming to bed.
- It certainly makes things easier if a BJ is on the agenda. But yeah, a man who is generally clean and knows when to take a bath is highly desired.

5. Many men are PIGS. They want sex every day! You are not obligated to say "yes" to please him if you do not feel up to it. You never do anything unless you want to. To pacify the pig, give him manual stimulation!
- Haba, Madam! Some of us women can be pigs too. Who no like better thing? But sha, a couple should always seek to satisfy each other, consensually, either with sex or affection.

6. Never, never do ANAL sex! You can get diseases, especially if after anal, he goes vaginal. Also ORAL sex is dangerous if there are cuts in your mouth, or sores. Men love it. Don't swallow his SEMEN! You can get throat STDs. There is no cure for herpes. Chlamydia and gonorrhea have no symptoms and can leave you sterile. You both would need antibiotics!
- Mama is beginning to show her age here, some girls do love to swallow. Still, health and safety are very important where sex is concerned.


7. Some men are pre-mature ejaculators; that is very frustrating and bad for the female. He needs help to learn to control himself until the female is ready.
- Yes o, sex toys can come in handy here. Like a cock ring, and and...

8. There should be foreplay to get the girl ready. As you get older, more experienced, you can skip all that and it is over in 7 minutes.
- This happens also as your bodies become more in tune with each other. As you have more sex together, it gets easier and anticipation makes it more pleasureable quicker. But sha I want longer than 7minute sex, maybe until I'm as old as Grandma :)

9. Perhaps you already know all these hints. I hope you find it helpful; I love you and do not want you to make a mistake. Never marry someone and say "Well, I can always get a divorce if I'm not happy." When there are children, you are never divorced. The ex-husband will be in your life forever, so make sure you marry the right guy.
-  I agree with the underlined, but if things change as the marriage progresses and your life is threatened, don't be afraid to cut your losses and save you and your children from a lifetime of unhappiness or worse, lose your life.

10. Make sure you never marry an abusive control freak. When a man loves you, there is respect. He will be proud of you and your achievements - not jealous and needing to know your every move, or keeping you away from family and friends. Make sure he comes from a happy family with a loving mother and father who have a good marriage.
-  I wouldn't hold the family he comes from against him, but do ensure that your man is all the other things. And yes, he need to respect who you are too.

11. Never, never tell a boyfriend if you have any savings, inheritance-to-be or your salary when you graduate. Some men look for a woman with money. I do not respect such men! If he has credit card debt, DUMP him immediately! You only discuss finances with the man you want to marry.
-  True Word! And I emphasize openness in a committed relationship.

12. Should you date a man who is stingy, dollar conscious, and you love to spend money, the relationship will never work unless you are a thrifty person yourself, then you can put up with him.
-  This is where like-for-like is imperative, nothing like opposites attract where spending is concerned, especially as you build your home and start a family together.

13. When dating a new man, do not feel obligated to have sex with him because he bought you dinner. To avoid this, pay for your own dinner. You are getting to know each other. You are not a homeless person who needs a meal.
-  Gbam! Nothing more to add here.

14. Be happy, be with someone whose company you enjoy and you can't live without, and respect him. Watch out for womanizers, drunks!
-  Especially if you don't drink and expect fidelity. Watch out o, a leopard rarely changes his spots.

15. You can make sure you know a man well by dating him on weekends and vacations. If he's unsure about committing, DUMP him. No excuses.
-  Beyonce sang, Put a ring on it! But even before then, make sure your man is committed to you/ your relationship. Define it or move on.

16. Hope you find the happiness you deserve. There should be love, respect, admiration, trust, and a mental and physical connection. If you find "true love," you will live happily every after. That is true.
-  Happily-ever-After is possible. Period! 

Source

So what do you think Grandma missed out, or should not have added?



23 comments:

  1. interesting stuff... still digesting.. no further comments grandma!

    ReplyDelete
  2. First impulse was to flinch when I saw grandma and sex in the same sentence…lol. TMI

    It's obvious that granny's heart was in a good place; do I agree with all she said…NOPE but she can only speak with what she has known/experienced!

    I wonder if her g'daughter was freaked by her bluntness..lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL...I actually think older women are in the best position to give these sorts of talks. Used to be so in my part of the country, the grandmas ran the pre-marriage tutorials, like in fattening rooms, etc...

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  3. Wait, Ma, were those your words in bold? haha

    - LDP

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, those were my own thoughts on Grandma's nuggets. :)

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  4. GRANDMA gave it like NO OTHER. STRAIGHT TO THE POINT NO MESSING, NO SUGAR COATING.

    NO4: threw me off my chair.. too funny (I guess this is where Circumcision comes in).

    Mehn, I love me some grandma OPENNESS.

    It would be awesome to find that person that gets you at all level. Am talking spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, financial, etc. You BOTH JUST GET IT EACH OTHER and he has (Common SENSE). PERIOD.

    Thanks for sharing. GRANDMA has my VOTES.

    ReplyDelete
  5. From Grandma's No 1, it's confirmed that giving out the milk for free didn't just start in our generation.
    Just learnt a new definition for 'pig' too. Grandma, I guess that means I'm a pig too!!!
    Myne, your No 3 had me going Ahem! too.
    Really interesting read. Thanks for sharing :)

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    Replies
    1. Nothing new under the sun, I guess. Thanks Olaedo.

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  6. NEVER DO ANAL SEX,DON'T SWALLOW SEMEN,chai,THANK YOU grandma, and i go with the connection bit.

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  7. No 5 got me laffing.
    Sharp Grandma me thinkk!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh, grandma is soo on point! Myne, some of your comments o *cough* ahem :D

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  9. No 2, who wouldnt want that, that there is the koko

    No 3, different strokes o, there's no universal rule when it comes to positions.....

    Ok, if i want to comment on all, this comment wud become a post, but honestly sha, I wud cringe if my grandma was ever this frank with me...My friend's grandma maybe, but mine....HECK NO!!! talk about nightmares...hahaha

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  10. funny enough in my relationship i am the one always saying that if we get married i can/will get a divorce if worse comes to worst.... wonder if that means he should dump me

    ReplyDelete
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