Friday, May 18, 2012

The First Year of Marriage - Two Becomes One?

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I read a thread on Nairaland sharing on the first year of marriage and it surprised me how even though most people's marriages are different, in some cases, you see yourself in the midst of many. It was also interesting that a lot of unmarried peeps reading commented that it was a very useful topic for them because they didn't really know much about marriage or what to expect. Who really does?


This got me thinking, and one day I'll share a full post on my own first year. Suffice to say that I equally asked myself at least once, are you sure? The answer by the time the night was done always came back positive. 

Anyway, I was mostly nodding as I read, lots of familiarizing sex, some wow, some not so great. Some clashes of personality as iron tried to sharpen iron, some intensely beautiful moments that even words cannot describe, the long, lazy days, the days you miss your family so much, you cry. Then add to that being in a new place, trying to make new friends, find your feet, re-organize your goals and accept changes, physically, mentally and emotionally, it is a trying period for me, I tell you.

However, I'll not trade those memories for any thing. There's just this thing about marriage that either brings out the best or the worst in you, and when you go into it with the right mindset and the right person, it matures you like nothing else. Some of the responses on the NL thread included the following;


- "best time of my life, still feel a warm sensation when i remember, plenty plenty rocking, fun fun fun, discovering new parts of the house and every place we could have s3x."

- "Half on half. The first half was great and we were in honeymoon land and the other half was the most stressful time of our marriage;"

- "It was hell, the only good thing was my girls nd my head that came out of it. I also appreciate others wonderful experience nd i expect to have a blissfull one in my next marriage"

- "It was not much fun actually. Sure, we were in love, innocent and a bit overconfident... but we also argued a lot, doubted, were scared about that BIG commitment"

- "Unfortunately, mine wasn't rosy at first. Even after dating for a few years, marriage was still a different ball game."

- "I don't know why i felt the way i did, immediately i got married, for some reasons i felt i had made the wrong choice (maybe because i had few guys that wanted to marry me then too)"

- "Spent in bed.From the bedroom to the hospital bed,back to the bedroom with 2 boys to mother.

- "Wasn't fun at all. It actually hit me right in the face that I couldn't just get up and leave after an argument. I loved my space and then I realised that ooops, I will be sharing my space with someone else."

- "I dated my husband in a long distance relationship , although i saw him every month. My first year of marriage was not what I planned. But I learned patience and discovered how much I loved my husband and how I could go through anything for him."

- "Five Months in and going steady, no quarrels at all, both of us respects each other, i have grown to know her for 5 yrs before wedding and i know when she is about to get in a mood and how to handle it,"
Certainly, there were some differences from my experience, for instance, we put off starting a family immediately, and we're obviously still together. Still, it's not surprising that at least one of the respondents broke up in their first year, a lot of stats out there support that a lot of I do's don't go beyond the first six months. Especially when there is no good rapport between the couple or worse still, negative interference from the extended family.

But, enough of my jabbering. I'd like those who are in the institution to share.

Also, those in between single and married, that is, double without the wahala, do you think you have a fair idea of what the first year of your marriage will be like?

Those single, do you think you know yourself enough to know how you'll bear up under the most extreme frustrations? Or maybe it only seems so in the heat of the moment :)

Let's discuss...





46 comments:

  1. honestly speaking i would love my first year to be a year of bonding,cementing our love without heated scary fights and arguments...i'ld love for us have sex,lots of it especially during our honeymoon and even after..**hahaha**then i'ld get pregnant...most importantly,understanding my husband to be during my first year is priority to me....

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  2. First year of marriage....I don't know my husband yet but knowing myself, I'm sure he'll having a lot to cope with

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  3. * I meant he'll have a lot to cope with :D

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    Replies
    1. it's important to know yourself, and try to be open and show it to would-be partners.

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  4. I was lucky to have kinnda lived with my husband before we got married so we got used to each others little annoying habits. It also helps that i really love and respect him and he is very mature to know to ignore me when am PMS-ing (which is quite often) and doesnt take it to heart.
    And We haven't really had that heated fight that couples scream down each others head. we sort of have a way of diverting it and talking about it maturely. i have know him 3years plus and been married one and a half. The sex was amazing and when it started getting routinely we talked about it and it got better(well am very easy to please) lol.
    Even before we got married i knew this was one person i could live happily with. So my first year really has been fun and loving. Hopefully God willing it will continue that way.

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    1. We're like you guys a bit, rarely a shouting match since we're not the type and try to resolves issues maturely.

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    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the invitation, I'll check it out.

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  6. The first year of my marriage was miserable. Thankfully in the midst of all the misery, i enjoyed the grace and favor of God throughout!

    I am a very happy camper now. God has given me life, salvation, good health, a beautiful home, wonderful parents and siblings, an amazing job, cute clothes and accessories, the grace to eat whatever i want-when-and-how, a smile that everyone admires, and a gazillion other things to be thankful for.

    I refuse to dwell on the horrid first year, or any other thing that makes me less than happy :)

    That being said, marriage is WORK. I think people should treat finding a spouse like finding a "group member/patner" in a class. Find someone that shares your values (especially where marriage is concerned), someone that is committed to a life with you, someone that does something better than you, someone that shares your vision and goals and/or is willing and able to help you achieve them, someone that you are willing to work/cooperate with. All this may help minimize the number of disagreements/misunderstandings, and probably help make your first year better than mine :-)

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    1. A thankful heart is a beautiful one. I am happy for you and totally agree with the last paragraph, finding the right partner is key :)

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  7. To be honest, this is something that terrifies me. I'm single and I love being by myself and living alone. I've always wondered how I'll fare once I'm living with my husband. I guess I'll just have to make sure that we're compatible before jumping into the union.

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    1. Gosh Sankofa!!!! I feel like you're a soul sister of sorts. Just yesterday, i was telling my bf that I don't know how I'll cope when I get married and have a husband and kids that constantly need my attention, 'cuz I LOVE my alone time....so much!!!
      May God help me o!

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    2. I also like my alone time, and still do. It helps that Atala knows this and so understands when I am more quiet than normal. I am also working on knowing how to reach out even during those times.

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  8. Know the person before you marry am if not you will be surprised in the 1st year. things will be revealed about your partner that you might not like.

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    1. Some say no matter ho much you know each other, new things always crop up after I do. So while you're right, one needs to be flexible and expect surprises too.

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  9. I love my independence,my own space and not having to always look out for someone. Don't get me wrong am not self centered or anything. I just love and look forward to my 'ME' times..... So when I think of marriage I think of the many sacrifices I'll make.
    I look forward tho' to ma first year. I would want it to be a time of baring and sharing it all.

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    Replies
    1. True, knowing yourself is the first step, and then finding out how you best share yourself with others.

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  10. my first year of marriage was fantastic. bonding grew, and the sex was interesting (still is though), was a little bit shy but worked at it. i guess one of the things that stood out for me is that i still had my independence, even though i was married.
    www.secretlilies.blogspot.com

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    1. I wanted to should GBAM after reading your comment :)

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  11. I am not looking forward to my first year at all. I loooove being alone and having my own space. Having to share it constantly with someone for a long time would be very annoying. But I'm sure with time I'll cope.

    But I'm sure there will be a lot of crying on my side, me getting angry at him for silly things like not putting the toilet seat down or for just being untidy.
    I'm not predicting doom for myself, but I know myself. I can be very finicky. For me I believe in working on all my bad habits before getting into marriage. I'm sure we will bond very well sha, in spite of everything and it will be an awesome first year.
    Marrying the right person is very important.

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    1. I can't even begin to say how important it is, it is crucial. And also learning to love someone else, in totality.

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  12. Hmmmmm. I know what I want it to be and I pray to God it is so.... I totally agree with Louisa... Understanding my husband is number one priority for me in the first year. I understand my fiance but I also know that marriage is a different ball. Then lots of bonding, cementing our love and sex.

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    1. Marriage usually especially if you're not friends yet. I wish you all the very best.

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  13. for me,my first year wont be make much difference cos we r practically leaving together and its really a tough one but also wonderful..i believe every relationships has got its ups and downs...it really depends on the couples to make it work,,,just change what you can about your partner and leave what you cant change...am really trying to work on that,,,love,trust respect and prayers with lot of patience would make it work

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    1. I couldn't have said it better than the last part of your comment. Respect, trust and patience very necessary plus prayers.

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  14. The 1st year.......wonder how he'll cope with a wife that doesn't like make-up, that can't stand other people's messes so he'd better be a tidy person, that cooks only when she feels like, that likes her 'alone time', but needs to be snapped out of it sometimes......whew! I wish us God's favour to go through that year!!

    DrLily

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    1. If he knows upfront, it is usually easier. I think :)

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  15. We are getting to our 4th anniversary, so 1st year is a little blur 4 me right now.

    Although i'd say It was half and half I suppose. We had long distance relationship, after a short courtship, so we had a lot of things to discover abt each other. We discovered d good, d bad, d ugly. I kinda remember crying a lot when he upset me (which was a lot, cos I spent many moments wondering who d hell is dis man I married), & he wouldn't try to console me and pet me, & i'd move out of d bedroom in anger, then he'd come look 4 me in d guest bedroom to coax me back to bed. We're both hot-tempered so we clashed a lot (still do). I raise my voice 1st (bad habit 4rm home) & he warning me to stop shouting @ him.

    D beautiful part is dat we both adjusted. We still argue a lot, but make up faster now. Apart 4rm d free sex zone of d 1st year (oh, I forgot, once I got pregnant dat reduced. So i'd say d few 1st months n d 1st year), I wouldn't want to relive our 1st year. I do keep going back 2 d whirlwind romance (how we met) though. I believe we love each other more now, cos we really know d person we r dealing with.

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    1. I think one of d reasons we had adjustment issues was cos individually we had expections of d sort of spouse we each wanted d other to be, some we shared some we tot d other understood already. Am pretty sure husband had liked 4 me to take my emancipated woman shit down a notch, I wanted him 2 be more romantic & less soldier-manish. + I was having a miserable time living in lagos, a city I hated, and working n a place I loathed. I took a job out of town in dat 1st year, & husband was very unhappy abt it (I forced him 2 accept d job, cos I was going to take it weda he liked it or not). I guess u cld say we were very selfish dat 1st year, insisting on "this is what I want, & u must give it 2 me!!" Good thing we really loved each other very much, and always reassured one another of our commitment after every blowout. I think that made us stronger, and matured our love.

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    2. Thanks so much FF, your story is very insightful.

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  16. Great topic, offers so much insight for me. Thanks for sharing Myne.

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  17. hhehhe.. Myne you have asked ohh... soo here we go.."lets go there" in jenifa's voice.

    Ok, as single and believing(not searching) but sha maybe a little scope here and there lol, (covers face). Assss inn...

    I believe I will be married to the right DUDE as in from day. AMEN.

    I have daydreamed of my 1st marriage(maybe more years sef) and I am quite excited at the thought of it. I believe we both will be on the same page and there will be a alot of excitement, apprehension, fun, laughter, tease, discovery, prayer, night vigils lots, blessings, respect, understanding, learning, dance (sexy ones lol), singing, good health, empowerment, encouragement, happiness, LOVE, JESUS, GOD AND HOLY SPIREEE, disagreement, mini arguments (the older am getting, less arguments I have) and so much more. I imagine there will loads of sweet messages waking me up in the morning lol, loads of sweet juicy nice kisses lol, alot of sweet relaxing massages, a lot of spoiling and pampered to bits, alot of travelling, alot of adventure and alot love makinnnnggg lol, communication, and bonding and cooking and talking, and gisting.lol.AMEN. Clearly, you can tell have thought this through lol...

    MOST IMPORTANTLY, the first year will be a great time to feed off our great foundation from our courtship days, practice the right procedures and learn from our mistakes and failed anticipation. It could be the time REALTY will also kick in. Most importantly, I pray its the time we will get it right and always GET IT RIGHT.

    Although am gonna miss my space soo much but I think when am with the right person I wouldn't mind sharing it for most of time sha. lol.(but gonna miss my mummy more...sha).

    sorry ohh.. u asked.. lool..

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    1. Yes, I asked and I like that you gave a full comment. So you're a mummy's girl? :)

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    2. yep...me is a mummy's girl... last born and happy too....lol..

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  18. I don't know what our first year of marriage would look like but we're looking forward to being able to stand for each other at troubled times. We're looking forward knowing it'd be a little challenging for her as she'd be coming into a new environment without the comfort of home, her family and friends. Making new friends and adapting to the weather. For me, it'd be living and sleeping with someone on a daily basis but sincerely, I can't wait cos I believe she is the best woman for me.

    - LDP

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  19. Lol, my first year was exasperating and fun at the same time, guess the hardest part was learning to share my life and time with another person, I had to cut back on staying out late and yup, that took a lot of getting used to.

    I also had to learn patience, I tried to make hubby into the kind of man who picked up after himself, cos it was kindda a big deal with me. I nagged and cajoled and then just got exasperated when nothing worked, as silly as it sounds, I could let my irritation turn into anger. With time though, I realised i was just being petty and I learnt to put pettiness aside.

    That was the bad side, on the good side, I loved the fact that we had a whole year to ourselves, so there was freedom to run around in our birth suit (yes, i miss that now we have a baby and a help...lol), spend a whole weekend just lazying around and stpping out just to get food to eat. i loved that we cooked together,we spent loads of evenings cooking, eating and falling asleep in the sitting room. Most importantly though, I got to see a side of hubby that impressed me, in all of our "drama", he was always the sensible one, he's the kind of man that can turn a deaf ear to your tantrums, then calmly adress the issue when you're more level-headed, we hardly quarelled while we were dating, so seeing this side of him was kindda comforting. I guess his level-headedness was what helped me get my act together

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  20. HAHa a few of the comments are scary but nothing that cant be handled with God and lots of patience...still easier said than done though...lol

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  21. So meny men, so many minds... As far as I'm concerned, the happiness of the couple is in their own hands. The first year is the most difficult one, but when you had been thinking of marriage, you knew, that you should be facing some problems. But it's worth it!

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  22. I think the issues stems out of the fact that most people have too-high expectations of their spouses and depression arises when those expectations are not met...I'm still in my first year....2nd month actually and it has been awesome. Truth is, no matter how long you've dated anyone (in my case 4 years), there's still so much you don't know about them....even you surprise yourself sometimes, how much more someone else.

    Marriage is also about sacrifice and learning to think "we" much more than "I"....and it's also important that both parties understand each other...

    All-in-all, I'm loving it....every single bit of it.

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  23. u have to remember one thing - ur 1styear after marriage can bring an end to relations - so try to do ur best to keep them hot, satisfactory and convenient for u.

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  24. First year was beautiful for me although we had the normal rants of "u pressed the toothpaste from the middle" or" why didn't u use a sponge to bath" and all other funny stuff.
    It was more of Honeymoon although I missed my former residence. I can remember a particular day that I cried so hard bcos I missed my old home.
    First year was a time of studying each other and a great time to bond.
    I cherish every moment of it.

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  25. Telling my wife about an affair I had shortly before marriage and my wife finding out later that I still continued talking to that person ruined my first year of marriage. I don't think it's salvageable - the best we are likely to be is an occassional happy couple. It was as though happiness died with the telling. If I could turn the clock (wishful thinking) I'd never have told! NOT EVER!

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