Monday, April 23, 2012

Dear Myne - It is Difficult to have Sex with my Husband!

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Hi Myne, I will really appreciate your help and that of your readers who I believe are very mature and experienced, and they are respectable too. The last is the reason I have the boldness to share this very sensitive issue with them, yes, please...I want this to be published on your blog in addition to your response too. I am at a crossroads and I am about to lose my mind.

I've been married for going a year now and yet I have not been able to have full relations with my husband. And before anyone goes off on the wrong bend, it is not a fault of my husband... he is willing, able and ready. Can I say the fault is mine? I don't know. I am in my twenties and I was a virgin when I got married to this guy that I really love...I am a Christian and had stuck to no sex (or anything) before marriage as I believed that saving myself for marriage was the better way.

My then fiancee, now husband agreed with me, he was a member in the church youth group and that was where we met...we courted for about a year before our wedding and both looked forward to having fun on our wedding night. It's now like we were both mistaken, and plain unrealistic. I don't want to blame our religion for this, but after almost a year, it is hard not to!

I recall when we went for pre-marriage counselling, the pastor just briefed over sex and just said we need to be on the same page. Since this issue started, I have only spoken to one married woman I admire in our church, and she couldn't even look at me as she mumbled that I should simply relax, and maybe I should make sure the lights are off.

It's also really hard for me when my friends and family ask when we intend to start a family, or close girlfriends tease me how as newlyweds we would be all over each other all the time, you know what I mean...I just want to cry because how can I tell then that we could not even do it. I just feel so alone, I could not even  tell my two best friends.

Maybe I should explain what my problem is. I'm sorry Myne, I hope this is OK to put on your blog. Put simply, my legs just keep closing, and the main part, my husband joked that it is padlocked. (I'm really lucky in this man, but I fear he will get tired of me one day.) He jokes about it, and even when I laugh, I don't find it really funny. During our honeymoon, we tried so many times in the first few days but by the end of the week I was just too sore so we stopped. Till today, my husband has not been able to enter me at all. I think part of the problem is that I'm so nervous from all the stories of pain I've always heard about the first time.

To combat this nervousness, what have we not tried? We attempt about once a week because I'm just so nervous and somedays my husband is too tired to even put in the effort to seduce me. But when we do try, we have used different kinds of lubricants and pain killers. One day, my husband even sneaked local ogogoro for me and got me drunk good and proper. That didn't husband said, I kept begging him not to do it and then cried myself to sleep afterwards.

Myne, I'm crying again now. What am I going to do, some of my friends that we all got married at the same time are already pregnant and I want some children of my own too! Again, I thank God that my husband is so patient and loves me as I am...he says we will pray and work it out together...that God that asked us to be virgins will see us through...but I'm beginning to get impatient and scared too. For how long do I expect him to be patient? And this is not fair to him at all. This is not what he signed up for, I know that.

I was so frustrated at a point that I told him that he could just annul our marriage or even find a girlfriend...oh yes I was at the end of my tether then! He said he never would cheat on me and that I should not mention it again...but that day was after another failed attempt and I just fell like I have lost all hope. You must understand that this is very frustrating because it's like I've waited all of my life to have sex and now that I am married I can't do it. I just feel like all my waiting has been all for nothing. Sorry, I'm rambling on but I just feel like I have no one else I can trust to talk to about this...I'm too ashamed to tell friends and family.

I have gone online to seek answers and have bought some books on Christain intimacy and yet, this problem remains. I heard of vaginismus and what are called spacers but I can't get those from here in Nigeria. And they sound so unchristian, how can I be putting something else down there? I don't even use tampons! This is so embarrassing but I just hope that someone reading has some practical advice. Thank you so much!


Well, here we are. I was thinking I would never get any more Dear Myne emails and then this one came in. I did a quick search and it seems this scenario is not so uncommon. I am really looking forward to hearing from you guys on how to save this loving marriage.


  1. O wow! I will definitely be back to hear everyone else's insights on this matter as I have none.

    Her situation kind of reminds me of Jackie Appiah and Chris Attoh's dilemma in "The Perfect Picture" and the problem then was because both individuals in the relationships were cosy with each other as individuals and persons but they were always too shy to approach intimate talks. They did not understand each other or connect with each other intimately as they did on every other level.

    I would say ask yourself and see if it applies (maybe see the movie) if it does apply then be more open with each other and if that is not the case, then trust that other Myne Whitman readers will be equipped with the fire to solve your problems all in all, "it is well"

  2. Have they tried non-penetrative sex (oral, manual stimulation)? Does she have orgasms then?
    For many people, the end pleasure of the orgasm outweighs the initial pain of the sex. But you wouldn't know that without the knowledge of the end pleasure.
    Their sex shouldn't be a race to 'put it in', otherwise, she will always approach it with fear and won't be able to relax. Maybe they should have periods where the goal is just to satisfy her without regard to penetration.
    Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay, and if he can get her to orgasm without penetration, one or two finger insertion isn't far in his future. Maybe even a penis by the end of the year.

    1. Yours is the best reply I have seen so far.

  3. I am not a gynecologist or anything like that. That is my disclaimer. However, there is a condition called "vaginismus". 'It has a variety of symptoms and that is what you have described here. Please go see a gynecologist and a therapist if possible. All the best.

  4. well, I'll say she needs to relax. yes there is a medical condition called vaginismus but hers sounds more psychological like apprehension and fear than that.

    relaxing can go a long way to change this, also her hubs can prep her by not inserting for now, just foreplay, oral and physical stimulation, etc, until she can relax and they can find their rhythm. Good luck!

  5. I think you should realize that the major reason people get married is the wrong one.We should get married because we need a companion, not for the sex, or for kids those are just added benefits. I think you should take it easy don't place any expectations on what happens in bed. try as much as possible to just enjoy being with each other, and it will come remember no pressure, and don't force it. All the best. Ciao

  6. Its easy to see why you would want to blame your religion for what you are going through now but that would be you becoming bitter about this situation.
    You were obedient to God's word and I would like to encourage you by saying that you didn't make a mistake by keeping yourself before you got married.
    Personally,i think that it's all a mental block on your part probably as a result of something that happened in your past? were u sexually abused at some point? of course sexual abuse can happen without penetration you understand? what are afraid of when it comes to sex? sometimes the fear that you will not be good enough to satisfy your husband can cause you to clam up especially when he is more sexually experienced than you are.
    I believe that being honest about your feelings when it comes to sex is of vital importance.Examine yourself and ask yourself what you really want and don't be afraid to talk about what you discover with your husband.
    God made sex to be enjoyed,to deepen the love between a husband and his wife..its meant to be enjoyed. you say that you are a christian. what I'm going to suggest may sound crazy but if you and your husband are truly believers in every sense of the word then why don't you pray before you have sex? Have an honest heart to heart talk with God about what you guys are going through and ask God to help you overcome it..I don't believe that God will keep you from being sexually fulfilled. Lastly,sex isn't a sin; forget the folks at church who make it too holy to talk about and talk to those who understand what sex is all to your friends,you may be surprised at what you find out...You'll get through this one way or another..God bless!

    1. Estrella, you have said it all, i would only add that first time sex is not fun for everyone, at least it wasn't for me, thank God for a supportive and loving husband, we had to take it really slow, first with fore play and just two fingers and lots of wasnt fun but we kept at it and we talked, talked about everything so he that he would know what and what not to do to cause me pain ...gosh that sounds like 200 years ago cos sex is great now, just take it a step at a time and pray about, God is the author of sex afterall..and don't rule out seeing a doctor my friend went to see a doctor and she is fine now..blessings!

    2. I second that... pray for the ocean to pave way. Just like Moses used his stick and the red sea parted. My dear u berra start using ur faith on a different level..(happy smiles).

  7. Myne,you remember the story of my ex and i? Well,while all the problems were on and she was forced to go live with the other guy,she also closed up.I mean,he couldn't penetrate her.However,when we attempted having sex,we succeeded.

    Having said that,it is possible that her problem is psychological.True she's never had sex,but i strongly feel something is going on in there that she needs to confront.My advice is she should visits a therapist.She confirmed that she heard stories of how painful the first time is,this might have taken a very bad turn on her psyche,hence she needs someone that can help her on.

  8. I was sexually abused over and over from the age of 7, I could never talk about it to anyone as I was told that by "sitting on uncles knee" is me being a "good girl" and if I told anyone I was a "bad girl"..... This traumatised me for years and although I am now married with kids of my own, there is only so much I can "do" when it comes to bedroom matters.
    When I was growing up most of my sexual encounters were "non penetrative" luckily my partner (whoever it was at the time) and I
    were both able to reach orgasm. Until I discovered masturbation!! I think the key here is knowing your body and becoming confident in yourself, take it step by step, start by using your fingers to caress yourself gently round the labia, then touching your clitoris, when you feel comfortable with that you can then go further. Next step is to guide your husbands finger "on you" NOT in, you must be the driver, guide him so that he knows how far he can go without causing pain, when you get comfortable he can then try using 2 fingers, hopefully you should be secreting your natural juices which should make it much easier.. Once you feel comfortable with his fingers, you can try with his penis, but remember you "must" be the guide, you hold it and guide it inside you, ask your husband to be very gentle with you and I promise you will get there.

    Good luck and please let us know how you get on.

    always worried that I may never be able to have
    children, until one day during an intense session of

    1. I agree with you Nina
      I am not yet married but I am a Believer who is also a virgin. I once stumbled on a site which i 'll d recommend to you.

      The name may seem off putting, but they've got loads of valuable info, although i disregard some of their views which i consider too oyibo for my African mind The most important thing i learnt was that as a woman,I need to KNOW my body. Do you know how many people (like me before) who don't even know where their own vagina,clitoris..... are located in their own body? smh! i had to learn to use a mirror and touch myself to even know where these parts are. It was after this exercise that i began to REALLY relax in my mind on the idea of having sex cos I've heard too many stories of the pain many women feel when being disvirgined.
      Many times people relagate their part to play to God. No matter how long you pray, if what you're going via is as a result of a negative mental stronghold, the only way you can get liberated is by pulling it down with the right information. I really pray you take out time to visit the recommended site cos God used it to deliver me and I'm SOooo looking forward to having good super sex with my husband when i get married:)
      God bless

  9. I stumbled upon this post ( at femme lounge, and think she can benefit by talking with this Counsellor.

  10. I think the barrier here is psychological
    Sometimes, girls are so conditioned to think that sex is bad that they feel guilty or dirty when they then have sex
    I would suggest speaking to a counsellor.
    Like everything else, it will take time, patience and practice before she can begin to enjoy sex
    One good thing though - she has a loving partner.
    It really could be worse...

  11. i am with N.I.L here. I think the problem here is psychological. I think she needs to see a therapist, who can work with her and make her understand that sex can be beautiful not terrible.

  12. Hmmmm, dearie I think it's psycho.ogical. Just be calm, I'm sure it would happen and you'll love it

  13. I'll like to tell you to relax. Or was there any issue you experienced as a young girl, perhaps a rape incident or bad experiences with men at a certain age. Marrying a virgin does not mean one might not have made a mistake at one time or the other,leading to memories you just don't want to remember or the feeling that you have failed God and yourself during the process. Whatever it is, just relax. You can begin to have series of mental picture of yourself and your husband having sex and enjoying it.
    Also practice a lot of foreplay, relax in your husband's arms and allow him to stimulate you. Where are your sensitive spots? tell him, or you can even guide his hands there. Then discuss frankly with your husband, tell him your fear and all that is going on in your mind. I think it is more of a psycological issue. Maybe sex was condemned a lot by those close to you when you were growing up and you were told it was for promiscus people...Identify the root of your problem and deal with it. You can also pray about it and see a gynaecologist. Nothing is too big or too small to talk to God about. He created you and he told us to be fruitful and multiply. I'll personally reccommend you meeting and talking with Funmi Akingbade, she's a christian teacher on sex and related issues.

  14. I think for now they can try other forms of pleasure- touching themselves, kissing, oral etc....
    Soon enough she'll reach a point where she can let him go in depsite the initial discomfort and eventually she'll settle into enjoying sex.....

    1. did you just say -For now ?
      it's been a year since she got married,remember? Her problem is not inability to enjoy sex, but LACK of it.
      As much as i salute his patience, I feel the husband should be firmer and they should engage in loads of foreplay. They should read good Christian materials on the subject of sex TOGETHER.Kevin leman's 'Sheet music' is HIGHLY recommended.

  15. Hello,
    I'm really sorry about your dilemma and kinda understand how you feel.
    I just recently started doing the deed (I'm twenty-four), and I totally understand how difficult it can be the first time.
    I'm glad that you seem to have a very understanding partner, that is one very serious advantage. However, was he also a virgin, or is he more skilled in the area of sex?
    You just need to tell your self (self-talk) that 'you want to have sex', 'there's no crime in having sex', and 'you are going to enjoy the act of sex with your husband' ( it's been a month since I started doing the 'deed', and I still have to continually tell myself these things). I think that years of being told that sex is this and that has affected you psychologically so much so that you reject the thought of it and that is why you need a lot of self-talk when you find negative and scary thoughts come up in your head about sex (just like when a thought about failing comes to your head, you might replace it with ' I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me').
    Also, like a previous comment earlier stated, let your man give you oral sex first....loads of it (no, oral sex is NOT a dirty act or a sin). this will help to ensure that you are super wet down there and make you a bit more relaxed. You should also look for water-based lubricant such as KY jelly that Johnson and Johnson makes to use as extra lubricant so as to further ensure that penetration is a bit easier.
    After all this preparation, the next thing is for you to LET YOUR MAN IN. This can be a scary process, but just keep self-talking and let it happen. For some, initial penetration can be painful, for others it may not be, so there is no way of saying for sure what your case will be but just let it happen. I literally had to restrain my self with self-talk from pushing my partner off me due to how uncomfortable my experience was, but when he asked if he should come out because of the pain, I told him no, that he should just keep going because I wanted to be over and done with that phase of my life.
    Also, your first time may not be as "wowish" and "earth shattering" as books and movies describe it (so be prepared for that), but it gets easier, less uncomfortable, and more enjoyable as you guys keep engaging in the act.
    I also recommend that you pick two copies of Tim and Beverly LaHaye's book, "the act of marriage".
    Sorry for the long long story....just hope my shared experience helps you to discover the beauty that is sex with your partner.

  16. I like to point out one or two things I deduced from reading.

    a)it seemed like you felt like being a virgin was the ultimate sacrifice for marriage or perhaps a waste of time. You probably felt the fact u kept yourself meant you had pleased God.

    Rule no1: virginity is not the ultimate sacrifice for a successful marriage. Virginity is supposed to be purity, but if ones mind aint, then I don know ohh...

    Rule2: I have no doubt God is proud of you and at the fact you did not defile the bed, but there other sins he is also looking for us to obey.

    B)I think you had very high expectations and the fact things did not go the way intended made you consult your own knowledge. I meant the getting drunk bit.

    Fact1: Sex is one minute part of marriage, marriage is huge. Expectations often destroy alot of things(its not bad to have them but we have to know it might go either way). We need to understand we are humans, our bodies might not necessarily handle something foreign i.e. hubby's manhood.

    I have three questions?
    Do you believe you or hubby might have a medical condition?
    Have you sought medical help concerning this?
    Have you prayed and fasted about this?

    Pls answer the questions and be honest with yourself.

    Also are you sure is not ur hubby's that is Huge.

    I am no expert but am sure trying to fit in something huge on anything would either not go in or it will break.

    One more thing, you are not the first to be in this situation, you will certainly not be the last. DO NOT WORRY. HELP IS ALWAYS AT HAND.

    YOU NEED TO relax your mind and spirit and do your thing with hubby. Pray and use your faith, God created sex and it is good sooooo, just keep believing.

    The thing is even if you had done it back in the days, you might still have this issue. Hubby might be clueless on this too.. SO do not think its any of your fault. You and him are in this marriage together (for better for worse that means for crap sex and great sex, for no sex and sex etc, you both will navigate your way through by his GRACE.

    Finally, Do not engage in any activities you feel it is not something God will approve of or what you would not encourage your children to do.

    My two pennies...

    lol someone that reads this, would think have been there done


      IT is well.

  17. Like similar advice offered, I think the writer needs to overcome her fears and she has taken the first step by being open about it.

    The next step is to seek professional help. A pyschologist should definitely be on the cards. The good news is that your sexual problems is not insurmountable, there are other issues which a psychologist will be able to help you overcome.

    Above all don't lose faith in God because of this, worse things have happened to other people so try and put things in perspective.

    Good luck and all the best as you seek the right anwers to your sexual issues.

  18. Please see a gynecologist first and then a sex therapist. The doctor will be able to examine and tell you if that area is not well formed or too tight for penetration. If it is deformed, simple operation will enlarge it to normal size, so that you can enjoy sex like other women. If it is because you are frigid; the therapist can help you. Good luck!

  19. She needs to see a therapist/counsellor. If you all know any please point her in the right direction. Meanwhile, if you live in Lagos, it may be easy to see Funmi Akingbade, you'll find her contact details in The Punch Newspaper, Saturday editions to be precise.

    God will not leave you alone in all these, you however need to try a little more and never give up.

  20. Wow!
    My 2 cents- she's probably having vaginismus, and should see a gynaecologist asap! She would probably undergo a minor procedure where dilators would be used to open up her vagina. It's done over a period of time. And, the hymen would be removed also, that is, if it's not already gone from the attempts they have made.

    Dear writer, please don't be frustrated. As your husband said, the same God who asked you to be virgins 'til marriage would see you through. And this condition is not a result of your virginity until marriage. It's probably more of a psychological thing, as the others before me have said.

    I wish you hadn't waited a year before speaking out. Your situation can be improved medically. So please, see a consultant gynaecologist in a teaching or specialist hospital. May God bless your union even more! And bless your hubby for being His true son!


    1. #Gbam! Exactly. Heard there are creams too that work as muscle relaxants etc.
      God will surely see them through!

  21. WOW i can only imagine your frustration. However let me ask were you circumcised as a child? this can also be a factor in him not being able to penetrate. If not then i would go with most of the suggestions made by other readers visit a gynae and sex therapist and most of all FREE your mind like someone said above this seems to be pyschological Sex is beautiful and it is not a sin forget those holier than though church people. In addition to dilators being used you may need to get a vibrator and get comfortable with your body because that is the only way you will be able to guide him through what pleases you best and it may also help with the penetration if you try doing it yourself first to get over your fear of pain. Other than beastiality the Bible does not give instructions on what can and cannot enter the vagina. Masturbation is not a sin i repeat masturbation is not a sin i wonder who even came up with that one and statisitics tell us that over 80% percent of the population engages or has engaged in it at some point pastors included so my dear get to know your body and be comfortable with it

  22. Please dear you are not alone! Your case is not uncommon. I can tell you that I personally know someone who went through a similar situation, but she is fine now.
    For that alone, put your Christianity aside for now! It is not to be blamed! You saved yourself for marriage and now you're married, CONGRATS! As one person pointed out already, God cares not just about how you carry yourself, but also your heart! Keep your mind/heart/soul clean and free!

    It seems like you have gotten a truck load of good advises and recommendations already! But for any of them to work here, you must be true to yourself and answer some questions....

    First of all, are you alright down there? If you can't tell, go see a medical professional right away.

    However, if you can tell you are alright there, that is, you have an opening, a vagina, there are so many things you can do to start with. Before I proceed, I must applaud your understanding husband. He is a great man! As much as you understand, he needs your body and you need his. He needs sex. You need sex. It is healthy! For those of you who said sex is a bit of a huge marriage, it is not true. Sex is a huge part of marriage. We marry, yes for companionship and also to multiply!
    Sex is a natural medication! It releases stress!

    Try some these things we are telling you here. They have worked for many people and will work for you. You must clear your mind and be practical... Since you don't know much about sex. I can tell you a bit.

    My advice: Be the initiator! Get a hold of your husband and undress him! Push him down on your bed and start caressing him. Please you are married now. Whatever you do in a closed door with your husband is between you and him. Nobody is watching you. Continue caressing him, sucking on him...his private parts. From doing this, you will get aroused yourself and maybe dripping wet and ready to perform! There is no way you can do this without being aroused and being eager to be or feel pleased yourself. While preparing your husband, check yourself. Try inserting a finger inside your vagina....

    So many things I can say to you! The best I say would be:

    1. Be PRACTICAL (perform also, if you are touched, touch back. Express your feelings).
    2. Be the INITIATOR (jump of him. Show some interest that you really want to have sex)
    3. Get Out (Get a room in a hotel where you will be away from the norm)
    4. Your husband must be firm. (Yes I said it. LOL! He should be persistent in getting in there once you are aroused. It can't happen if he pities your tears. Every virgin experiences some kind of discomfort the first time)

    If none of this work, see a medical professional.

    I'm sure you won't wanna leave your husband side once you start enjoying yourselves sexually!

    Let us know what worked for you! So we can add it to our dictionaries of domestic remedies!


  23. @Pendo, I don't think it is circumcision because most circumcised women have sex normally. Did you mean women that are circumcised before marriage? I doubt it because Christians don't agree with that type of circumcision nowadays. But it could affect a woman in bed. That must be very painful ooo. Lord have mercy! How can a woman enjoy sex after going through so much pain?

    1. Annymous, there are different kinds of female circumsicion, some are pretty extensive whereby they sew up everywhere leaving only a small hole for urine and blood flow. Such extreme ones can be very problematic to have sex or children unlike where only the clit is removed.

    2. thanks for clearing that anonymous 12:50 that's the type of circumcision i was talking about i have Somali friends who were circumcised as young girls and they had to be surgically "opened" by a doctor before their husbands could penetrate them. i asked because some African communities still practise it regardless of religious views - barbaric traditions that need to be done away with!

    3. Female Genital Mutilation is very rampant in Sierra Leone practised by both muslims and christians alike as a right of passage, so rampant that if the women on your husbands side discover you are not circumcised they will forcibly do it to you upon delivering your first child more common in the rural areas though!!! And apparently they are made to eat the circumcised bit this is supposed to be a huge secret that binds the initiates together!

  24. My best advice is that you see a professional and get help 'cos its not really normal to stay this long with a phobia for sex after you are married.
    Please see a gynecologist and get further help from there

  25. Its purely psychological but can be cured. Seeing a therapist will help but in Naija she has to look for someone that will encourage and not mock her cos most of the doctors are not used to it/are insensitive about it. She can start by learning how to use tampons: inserting them herself, her fingers, etc and gradually she should allow her husband to do so too only when she feels comfortable allowing him. It is definitely very curable and I wish her all the best

  26. Myne thanks for our comment checking up on me. Hopefully will resume blogging again soon

    1. You're welcome. And thanks for your comment, too.

  27. This is really touching. There is nothing one would not hear in this age.
    I hope the couple gets it right.

  28. unchristian ke? Thank God for medical science! Go see a doctor and use spacers or whatever prescribed. A tampon is not sin. I think you will also benefit from seeing a therapist/counselor as it seems your problem is mainly psychological. It's not like you experience pain ... you clamp up before the act so it's all in your mind.
    You talk about unchristian methods but yet your husband gave you ogogoro, which frankly wasn't wrong. Free your mind, sex is meant to be enjoyed. As a consideration to your husband, engage in a lot of foreplay and use your hands to satisfy him if you are not comfortable with oral sex like other people advised. I'm not but hand is not unnatural act.

  29. Myne, I think her husband also needs to read some comments so he would know how to help her. Omgosh!

  30. My husband read this too & said it sounded like me :D. Am a muslim, by the way, and we r also advised not to have pre-marital sex. Lots of good comments above but I'll add just one thing:
    Relinquish control, feel comfortable in Ūя̲̅ own skin. U r beautiful, sexy. Enjoy Ūя̲̅ feminity with Ūя̲̅ very patient husband.
    I was in tears on our honeymoon night & had thots just like urs but, I like to think I've gotten d hang of it now;) plus I've gotta baby now!
    PS: my husband doesn't think so but unless I master and perform all d Kama Sutra moves, I don't think he'll be impressed!
    Good luck

  31. Well...this thing really has to do with your mind.Let it go whatever it is,i dont think your husband is too big for you (if u know what i mean).Your husband can give you a thorough massage all over ur body just to help you relax and just have to close your eyes and do this thing once and for all ,pain or no pain,the pain will last just for a few days and that's all....there only a limit to what a man can give you.

  32. I am not yet married but I am a Believer who is also a virgin. I once stumbled on a site which i 'll d recommend to you.

    The name may seem off putting, but they've got loads of valuable info, although i disregard some of their views which i consider too oyibo for my African mind The most important thing i learnt was that as a woman,I need to KNOW my body. Do you know how many people (like me before) who don't even know where their own vagina,clitoris..... are located in their own body? smh! i had to learn to use a mirror and touch myself to even know where these parts are. It was after this exercise that i began to REALLY relax in my mind on the idea of having sex cos I've heard too many stories of the pain many women feel when being disvirgined.
    Many times people relagate their part to play to God. No matter how long you pray, if what you're going via is as a result of a negative mental stronghold, the only way you can get liberated is by pulling it down with the right information. I really pray you take out time to visit the recommended site cos God used it to deliver me and I'm SOooo looking forward to having good super sex with my husband when i get married:)
    God bless

  33. If you let yourself relax and not think so much about it you would be every other person has said in the comments above,try foreplay without penetration first and take it slowly from there.
    Yes must xtians don't come out open to discuss sex but it shouldn't stop you and your husband from talking about it and things you want.

    PS: DO NOT have expectations just go with the flow.Your beautiful and sexy that's one thing you should always remember.Do NOT think about the pain,half of the time it's not as everyone says it,don't dwell on the fear others have put in your mind.I wish you goodluck.

  34. Thouhg both of u are naive but I think the man should intensify more effort in getting the woman to looking forward to it. This will make the woman relax about sex.

  35. This is a medical problem.The guy cannot penetrate her and she is sore and feels pain while attempting to have sex.They need to see a Doctor....

  36. She should go see a therapist... Specifically a Sex Therapist. They are the most equipped to handle the situation. If you cant find one in nigeria, look into skype conferences with one outside the country.

    She can also try arousal drugs. Not juju. But prescriptions.

  37. Dear Virgin, (I do not know your name) I am truly sorry you are in this dilemma. I have been teaching people through my blogs (at and my specialty is love, romance and relationships. I strongly urge you to come and get your answers and get your life back to normal.
    You really are a good soul trying to find solutions to satisfy your needs. Like so many others you have taken advice from people who do not have knowledge in the mater and therefore they haven’t any solutions that will resolve the problem.
    Here are some of my suggestions,
    • Your husband does not seem to be the right man for you because he hasn’t been able to help you overcome your frigidity. Therefore in my mind you are not the problem but he is.
    • To overcome the stumbling block that you have the best solution is for your chosen man to romance you by means of writing you poetry, appreciating and openly saying to you how beautiful you are at every occasion possible. Giving you flowers or presents, (they do not have to be expensive). Those actions open the emotions of love little by little, to the moment when “Lust” flairs up and the sex act become “Love-Making.”
    • Sex has to be put out of your mind. More important yet is that your man puts sex out of his mind when he is with you. You are suffering from conflicting emotions, ej. Your sense of duty to provide sex to your husband (as a good Christian wife should) and your fear to have sex for the first time.
    • In order to have sex the emotion of lust has to be triggered, only then fear will disappear and love-making will be welcome. The problem in your case is provably your inner fear for the act of love-making. Some cases see this act as a dirty and unholy act to do. Other cases more traumatic could be when a child has been molested at an early age. Then there are the ones that think through the teachings of their religions that God is against women giving their body to the act of love-making.

    The first time is kind of tricky and also was for some of us who are more dedicated and passionate. In my case I had to find a woman who wouldn’t ridicule me and at the same time was kind at understanding my fears.

    Some of the comments other people wrote here suggest that you go to a doctor. I disagree with that. The thought of a doctor is provably bringing thoughts of panic to your mind. If I was you I would send your husband to a school to learn how to treat you the right way.
    After reading your article I can see there is nothing wrong with you that other people haven’t experience in their lives.
    Vincent Sylvan

  38. Please read this post, and the links in it. It's a blog written by a Christian married woman, who openly talks about sex. Alternatively, you can copy and paste your question to her in the comment box.

  39. Same Anonymous as above. Read this post too, it's very helpful:

  40. I have read many things here and while there's alot that can help, there are also some utter rubbish, so be careful what you take on. You and your husbands are not at fault. I think you do have a high expectation of yourselves and I don't think you know your body well.

    Have you and your hubby stood naked before each other and looked at each other properly? Have you looked at yourself in a mirror and figured out where what is ?

    You need to do this and then just decide that you're going to just kiss and cuddle and talk and laugh ( you will love this and miss it later, friends swear on this!) and from just looking at each other and falling deeper in love with each other and knowing your love parts, you'll relax enough and maybe you'll start with fingers and him just stroking you with himself, till you are comfortable to accept the whole of him.

    Remember there is nothing done on the MARRIAGE bed that is defiled. You have done what God asked you to do, so now, enjoy yourself and stop thinking that you're sinning, he is your husband for Pete's sakes! Also,don't think you won't have pain, a virgin will have some pain, however, if you are aroused enough, the pain will pass so fast, you'll almost not notice it.

    And talk to God together, say aloud to God what you want so God and your spouse can hear and He will help you through. I hope you have many orgasmic, moaning times from now into the future. Be blessed.

  41. Wow! 2 words. Gynecologist and sex therapist. I'm an MD by the way. Blessings and hugs.

  42. I had this problem ... seeing a therapist helped a lot. Its still not there yet one year later but its improved a lot

  43. I feel your pain and disillusionment. You have had lots of years of mental conditioning that said "do not have sex". Regardless of all the well meaning sexual details you have read, your conditioning won't easily be reversed. It will take a relatively long process. So like some people here have suggested, please see a sex therapist. All the best.

  44. this is never a problem at all, sex never kills so why are u afraid ? .. have u tried hearing peoples story ?. some women are ready to have sex but their husbands are impotent , they cnt even have erection, what abt tht one too?... i think urs is never a problem , u are a coward i put it to u ...just sacrifice that pain u will have for the 1st time for ur husband and u cnt ?. u are wicked , after waiting patiently and marrying u , u cnt just sacrifice a pain u will have just for a moment for him?.. u have a vagina and he have the penis what again should be a problem?. pains ? . oya come on just go and have sex with your husbad ,,i cnt belive its a year and he is ok with that


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