Thursday, March 29, 2012

Dear Myne - My Parents Rejected Him because of Tribe

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Hi Myne, I met the BF online, not online per say because we share a mutual friend. He saw my picture on this mutual’ friend of ours profile on facebook who happens to be my best friend and also his own best friend’s GF. He asked of my number and she gave him. We started talking, instant messaging, skyping and all that. He never asked me out until we became so close and I couldn’t say no. He was so sweet, loving and caring. This happened when he was still in turkey for his masters, that was in 2010.

I can’t remember him asking me out properly but I know we just clicked and before I could know it he confessed his love for me. Anyway he completed his masters and went back home January 2011, we made plans on meeting coz I thot I was going to be home by then, unfortunately I didn’t make it to naija that period, so we couldn’t meet until last December when I went back.

So we finally met and we were okay with each other coz we’ve been scared maybe when we get to meet we might see something we don’t like and change our minds. The slight problem is that we are from different tribes and right from day one I knew it was going to be a problem from my side but that still didn’t stop me to carry on with the relationship. I’ve used style so many times to ask him if the tribe matters from his side but he said no his parents do not have a problem with it and I also used style to let him know I might get a problem with it from my own side.

My mum didn’t fail to tell me that she doesn’t think my dad will agree with this when I told her about BF, well I wasn’t surprised coz I expected it. My dad heard about it and said no, I should leave that boy. But I didn’t take what they were saying serious because I just believed what is meant to be will be plus I can’t just tell him my parents don’t like him, its just one kind.

I tried my best to change their mind during my trip but at the end, my parents still refused to accept the BF because of the so called "tribalism". Its been a month now, I've been so down and know the whole break-up thing isn't easy. I asked the BF if we could give it another chance but he thinks I better go with what my parents say, they know what is good and best for me. I'm beginning to recover because I feel he backed out so easily he didnt even try again but I kinda don't blame him maybe he's still hurting.

Its annoying when one is rejected because of where he comes from. It was very hard for me to tell him and I feel I've broken his heart. I feel so guilty. I'm not even ready to move on, I don't feel I'm going to meet someone as good as him....


  1. LIVE Nollywood movie, I wouldn't say parents always know best but if God let's it happen then it wasn't meant to be.

    Remember if it's meant for you it will always come back to you

  2. Humm... This tribal problem thingy is still prevalent especially with the older generation. You should do what makes you happy, your parents are not the once that will live your life for you.

  3. This isn't a difficult situation.
    You love your parents and your parents love you right?
    If the answer is yes, talk to your parents. Talk. Not argue.
    Find out why they feel the way they do.
    Explain to them why you feel they should not have any worries.
    After that, let them know how you feel about this man and what makes him mean that much to you.

    Yes your parents know best as the guy said but they are making decisions based on limited info. It is on you to give them the necessary info.

    All the best.

    1. yup...i concur with 'think about it...'

  4. Yup i agree with @9jaFoodie, its such an ignorant thing to live by. Love who you wanna Love, and marry who you wanna marry. at the end of the day, its you who would be stuck in the relationship/marriage.

  5. It breaks my heart to read stories like this.

    Our parents are the reason why some of us end up in unhappy relationships/lifetime singleness. Why should it matter what tribe a person is from? The most important thing in a relationship is to love and be loved, to care and be cared for, to trust and be trusted. While I understand that it is against our culture to go against our parent's recommendation, this is unfair to you.

    Parents don't always know what is best for their children; let's face the truth. Only God knows what's best for everyone he created. A parent's objection to a relationship solely because the person is from another tribe is pure ignorance as far as I'm concerned.

    I know of a Nigerian man in Michigan who professed his love for an American (white) woman many years back. The man's family said they wanted a woman who can cook Nigerian meals. The man said fine and taught the white woman how to make naija meals.

    The woman's family on the other hand, objected because he was black. They said "How dare you date an African? He's not even African American." The parents were racists; the woman however, was keen on marrying this Nigerian man of her dreams.

    She followed her heart...they've been married for over a decade and are blessed with 4 boys. They have both families support now cause both parents want to carry their grand children.

    We all want our parent's support and blessings when choosing a life partner. Your ex saw the need for that and opted out of the relationship because he didn't have your parent's blessing. Don't blame him for that; he did what he thought was best for the two of you. Did he make the right choice? Maybe! Maybe not! I'm really sorry that things didn't work out the way you both wanted it.

    My advice is that you talk to mummy. Tell her how it feels to not have the one you love. Open up completely and try to get her on the same page as might be easier to approach Daddy if you have mummy's support.

    I wish you the best in the nearest future! (big hug)

  6. na wa o. in dis age! whatever will be will be. if they r made 4 each other, God will sort it.

  7. hmmm! ...this is not easy like black and white...though,your parents had their reasons...did you ask them, about that particular tribe and why? see, there is a saying that what an elder sees while sitting down, a child will not see even if he climbs the mountain top.

    Inter-tribal marriages comes with lots of challenges,{ am into one for eleven years now} that entails compromise and sacrifices on both spouses because of the cultural difference. SO IT IS UP TO BOTH OF YOU IF YOU ARE READY TO PLEAD AND CONVINCE YOUR PARENTS ESPECIALLY YOUR DAD.

    Rally around your uncles or aunts who you know, your dad cannot say no to. Your siblings also should join in convincing your dad. I believe he would succumb when he sees that you truly love him and he wants to marry you.

    Take care ok? e pele....all will soon be alright, you hear?

  8. When will our parents stop all these crap naa? I don't think tribe should be a single factor in saying that people shouldn't marry. And we will now say we want unity in naija abi?

  9. Tribalism is annoying! but most times i think its fear that makes parents so adamant about marriage to certain tribes. They've heard too many sad stories of people marrying into a certain tribe and what befell them and are scared of the fate of their children especially the female ones.

  10. wow...well what can i say...the others have said it all. the most important one being if it's God's will for the two of you to be together, no mortal or immortal being can stop it..
    and for his backing out, well i don't want to be quick to judge and so, i'll say...we don't know his mind and so we cant say the real reason. it can be as you supposed and it can be he doesnt want any sort of friction between you and your parents.
    i know...i did love a guy to fight for me when the odds are beginning to surface especially with tribal issues as this, but like i said earlier, pray fervently about it and let God's will be done. it's not easy, trust break up with someone who could have been the "ONE" and it might take time to focus and get yourself back on track, with tears shed and forgotten, try moving on with God on your side and like the bible says...all things work together for good to those who love God and have been called according to his take heart. it is well

  11. If you love something let it go. if its yours t will come back.

    I believe that with all my heart...

    P.s. don't forget to leave the door open

  12. I think you should take the time to talk with the parents, my only issue though is the seeming ease with which he backed out. My parents had an issue with the hubby being from another tribe as well but the man was willing to stick it out until he was accepted and it paid off. Same with my sis, they waited years until they received my parents blessings.

    If you BOTH think its worth fighting for, then hold on, if not....let if go

  13. As a guy I feel ur pain and I know this cud be very devastating. I have a sister who's in the same shoes right now(from a predorminantly southern christian tribe & in love with a northern MUSLIM).The guy is talking marriage but I'm certain my Dad will kick against it.Personally, I've met the guy & I believe they'll both be happy together BUT I also have my reservations especially about the RELIGION & with the current crises up north.

    For an advice,'Think-about-it' has said it all and it might just work. Goodluck.

  14. Wow, I'm quite speechless at the ease at which your significant other chickened out when he met with your parents' disapproval. Either he backed off voluntarily or under the influence of spiritual forces, you (the writer) may be caught up in a bigger spiritual battle than you envisaged. Every parent would want their kids to enjoy their marriage. It's up to you & your beau to prove to them that irrespective of any myopic insecurities, you two would be happy together. If it means involving the elders in your family, by all means DO IT ! The heart wants what the heart wants. Goodluck dear. Cheers !

  15. Its such a shame, I understand exactly how you feel I am in the same boat, my parents won't even give him a chance nor meet him, completely ruled him off coz of his tribe(Igbo) and has no background. They have advised me not to involve elders as it would make matters worse... Its such a shame but may his will be done IJN. Im believing in God to do the unchangeable... Amen


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