Monday, March 19, 2012

Dear Myne: He goes 3 weeks without talking to me?

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Yes, I decided to call this the Dear Myne column. I'm no psychologist, but maybe some of you out there are, and there is definitely wisdom among many. Thanks for your comments.

Please Myne I need ur advice on this. I’m so sorry about the long read. I just couldn’t pour my heart out to anyone like I just did now. Sorry for any errors I can’t even proof read. I’m so sad right now. Thanks.
Well, BF and I are having some issues. My BF is the weirdest person I’ve met so far in my life. Yea he’s just so weird. Since the early days of our relationship he just disappears from time to time. The first time, I didn’t hear from him for a month and I didn’t check on him either coz I knew nothing happened between us, I just kept wondering what the hell is wrong with him. Anyway when we finally started talking I asked what happened and all he could say was he wanted to know how long he could stay away from me. Seriously? Who does that??? Sigh.

Such thing has happened like 4 times now, it is becoming a frequent thing these days. The last one we had was towards the ending of February when I was resuming school, we didn’t even get to say goodbye. We went 3 weeks without talking and when he finally talked to me, I asked what the problem was and he said nothing that we are cool. How can we be cool and go 3 weeks without talking and we are a couple? I just can’t understand all this, I told him I don’t like this, he apologized and said it won’t happen again that whenever I feel something wrong I should tell him that I shouldn’t wait for him to figure out something is wrong. I can’t understand how going weeks without keeping in touch will be a normal thing.

He complains of work all the time now, I know his work is a challenging one especially now that he has a deadline to meet. He’s an architect. But still I don’t think that’s a good reason to stay away from me. But he says that’s how he is. Well after the 3 weeks we settled things and we were back to normal, but then after few weeks he goes AWOL again, 2days without checking on me, I now sent a text asking what is wrong, he called apologized and asked me to be more patient with him. For crying out loud this guy is on my BBM, just a ping away oo. That passed and we were back talking again.

Two weeks later same thing happened, we chatted on a thurs night o, everything was cool between us, Friday I didn’t hear from him, when the day was almost over I called him no answer, sent a text no rply, snt a BBm msg no rply…hmmn. I woke up next morning to see his message apologizing that his batt was flat and his gen has a problem, he’s doomed everywhere but he’ll ping me later. Saturday night I sent another message telling him he didn’t ping o, still no rply until next morning, that he’s so sorry he will call me. Sunday night still no call, I was too angry to even send him a message again so I just ignored him.

Still on Monday no nothing so I sent a text telling him that I can see he’s taking me for granted he knows I love him and he can come back anytime and just apologize which won’t stop him from repeating the same thing.

He replied “Sorry I’m not taking u for granted, just the way I am. I’m just like that, I can always disappear for a while, I’m not saying its good, just the way I am. But I always come back and apologize. U should be kinda used to it by now. Its not me taking u for granted, it just happens. Sorry. U have a right to be frustrated and annoyed, wish I can change or say it won’t happen again but I don’t know. Sorry” yeah this was his exact words.

I forgot to mention that in most cases I don’t bother to check up on him when he disappears because I know I didn’t do anything wrong. But from that day he told me to inform him whenever I feel he’s acting weird and since then I do ask him what’s up we didn’t talk today.

And I’ve told him time without number that this habit of his makes me feel insecure but that still hasn’t made him change. If he really loves me, i think he can change little things like this especially when he knows am having doubts. On my side I think I can change something out of my habit that makes him feel I don’t love him much. He has always told me that I shouldn’t change for him he likes me the way I am, maybe he’s been trying to send the message to me since that he’s not going to change for me and I’m just realizing now.

I’m so confused right now I can’t even think of what to do, could he be cheating on me or he doesn’t like me anymore? I couldn’t even reply the text. Its not like this is the first time he’s staying away from me, just that its becoming a habit now it happens too often. He sent this text on Tuesday and we still haven’t talked yet. I just don’t know what to do about this his new habit, it is just too much for me.


  1. I'm not a psychologist either, but all I can say is girl, you are in big trouble! He might not be cheating, he might still like you, but there's a lot more to this behaviour. Honestly. I'll be back to complete my comment.

  2. Hmmmm. He might not necessarily be cheating on her.
    As for me, I won't call what they have a relationship. In fact, it is not a relationship at all. They have just chosen to term it as that.

  3. Sorry to say this luv, but, - 'he's just not that into you'

  4. well, lets even play pretend that nothing fishy is going on and that is the way he is.

    It is obviously not going down well with you and you are obviously unhappy. My two cents would be walk away! you deserve to be happy and to be with someone who gives you the kinda attention you obviously want

    Why would you want to be with someone like this? are you ho[ping he would change or something?

  5. My suggestion is the next time he comes back to apologize,give him the SILENT TREATMENT too,don't act hrt or anything....lets pretend d convo goes like this
    guy:hey babes,hiya doing
    DONT ASK WHERE HE HAS BEEN.......#NOPOINT since he thinks you should be used to his weirdness by now
    boy:what have u been up to?
    boy:u up for lunch/dinner
    boy:Are u okay?
    boy:y are u soundin funny/weird
    girl:am not

    just give him max of 3words,give him a dose of his own medicine,if after then he doesnt try to sort it out....just keep at it while you keep your options open!!

  6. Man, my original comment was so rude lol. Suffice it to say, if you don't like the way he acts and what he proclaims to be his normal behavior, then keep it moving! Whats the point in playing little games and wasting time with someone hoping that they'll change to meet your wants/needs especially after he's already pretty much told you this is him, take it or leave it?!?

  7. i think you should move on.

    With the way Naija men are becoming weired and weireder @eg 'banker slain by husband' it wont do to end up with someone of the sort....

  8. What the Hell are you still doing in that kind of relationship. I had similar issues in my relationship and Babe, the first thing was to delete him from my BB, then facebook and i stopped calling as well. When he realized that we were no longer friends on BB and Facebook, he never called to ask what happened. which means he never really wanted me. I was the one trying to make the relationship work because i Loved him. In recent times i have come to realize that Love is not enough. We can never be too busy for the one that we Love. In all Sweety, that dude does not deserve you. Move on without him.

  9. The guy does not want a serious relationship with her. The earlier she gets the message the better. He only comes back when he has nowhere to go.

    She should not make a mistake by getting pregnant unless she wants to become a single parent. Rule out marriage...

    Some people are not straight forward and don't want to hurt other people by saying the truth. She should forget him and move on with her life. Also, she seems to be possessive without realizing it. It scares men away.

    The next time he gets in touch, she should be bold enough to call off the affair unless she wants him to continue to use her and dump her when she would be worse off.

    Move on... In an affair, give your lover a breathing space. He is not your property and vice-versa.

  10. This guy is married to someone else!

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. I agree!!!! I know because EXACTLY the same thing happened to me once!!!

    3. point on he is married or with someone else and you my dear are the other woman. Been there done dt

  11. This is so not a relationship. I mean, even long distance relationship, we call each other more than 5 times a day, not to now talk of someone who is in the same location with you. My advice; please, get out the so-called relationship before you get hurt.

    - LDP

    1. Egbon oh. Please let her know.

      This babe, on a good day you are his spare tyre. Every other day, you are his liability. Biko, run.


    2. Yaaaay! NakedSha is back n kicking!!! *yells from roof*

      Ehen, to the matter: We're never "just like that". We all choose who we are - wittingly or otherwise. It may cost her too much to help him change - but, even if she eventually decides to walk, it'll be good to find out why he acts so.

      Walking away without knowing sets the stage for a sequel in which she may* be vulnerable.

      *We all know how that stuff worx once you truly love someone.

      One has to wonder, though, if she simply thought she could 'wish away' the early signs. *sighs*


  12. Thank you Mrs. Whitman for giving us the opportunity to be 100% frank with our sister here. I am a first time comment-er but LONG time reader.

    This man's time is occupied by his real priorities. You are an every now and then distraction. A man will make you a priority despite his schedule. Ask anyone in a successful relationship. You will do yourself a wealth of good by backing away from this relationship and focusing on school, and making sure you know your next beau should place you high on the priority scale (like you would him). By the way,this comes naturally to a man who is into you. You have done nothing wrong, just count this as an experience. Dude is not going to change overnight and there is no test to make him change. You might play the whole not answering his calls bit and it will get his attention but how long are you going to keep doing that? Relationships are hard work but this is not part of what is meant by hard work. Hounding a man into having time for you is not what it is about. You want a man that sees you as part of his life and not one that has to be forced into calling you. I think you know what to do as this is a clear case. I will not say it will be hard, because you have been in this by yourself for so long...this will probably be the best part of this whole farce. Free yourself to be with someone that actually wants you cause this one does not.

    1. Exactly, leave him for good.

  13. I'd say he has a second life he doesn't want the lady knowing about be it another girl or him being married. Or maybe he's got kids?

  14. Dear, this guy doesnt hav anythg for you, hav gone thru same line , it never end s well, so , pls, do cheer up and leave him for good!!! His just not into you anymore.

  15. If it bothers you this much then move on already please. You deserve to be happy and apparently, you and this guy are not on the same wave length.

    Like someone already said "he's just not that into you" 3weeks without a word and he doesn't think it's weird? Move on already please.

  16. Life should be lived to the fullest, and being in a relationship where you're obviously not happy negates that. Let's assume he's honestly weird with no skeletons, and you get married, are you willing to live like this for the rest of your life?

    You're young, in school, with so many options before you. Don't stifle yourself.


  17. He's either married or seeing someone else and he's just using this one as backup when things aren't right in his other world. Sister, please move on now before it's too late. You could keep this up for years only to wonder when life passed you by. Even the good ones are hard to figure out, let alone one who makes it so obvious he just doesn't care diddly squat about you

  18. Hmmm......all is definitely not well here.
    If you are in a relationship where you constantly feel insecure and all attempts to address this does not seem to be working. I will advise that you walk away dearie, 'cos really, what's the point?
    A relationship should be a source of joy and inspiration and not a constant source of worry and insecurity.

    My 2cents!

  19. Abeg, keep it moving. He is NOT INTO you. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel right now because I have been there before. My own will go for two months sef. No word, no nothing. All for me to find he had a fiancee somewhere and I was here claiming love. He probably has another family or a wife sef.

    Let's even say he's not cheating. What will happen when you marry him? Please keep it moving. He DOES NOT LIKE YOU that much.

  20. He just not that into you. I was a bit like him, but when i found love, i was calling her more times than i could spare.

    Even me sef no fit believe am.

  21. hmmmm...initially, reluctant to comment, because i didn't know how to express my opinion without it coming out too blunt.......................Hmmm.......

    take care.

  22. He is using you, I'm sorry to say. Send him a "good bye" text and then do NOT contact him again, no matter how much you want to. If he is genuine, he will contact YOU.

    If he does, then tell him you are tired of his behaviour and he must either be "in" or "out" of the relationship - not just playing you for a sucker. Stand up for yourself.

    You may find he treats you better if he respects you more. If not, let him go. There are many fine men in the world - one of these will be perfect for you!

  23. FLEE! Please don't excuse his behaviour at all. I know the tendency is for you to keep rationalising and thinking to yourself 'at least he keeps coming back, maybe I need to be more understanding/patient, that's the way he is'.. Truth is, even if you did, the relationship is one-sided. Unfortunately, he is not ready to be in a serious, committed relationship despite what he may be saying.
    When a man loves a woman, it is crystal CLEAR! He would not want you to ever doubt it neither would he want to make you feel insecure.
    Another honest question to ask yourself is - If indeed this is the way that he his, are you willing to settle for this kind of person for the REST of your life? Flee now and move on to someone who deserves to be with a woman like you xx


  25. Ennh enh...why do we women put up with junk like this?? 'Nuff said...

  26. I am with everyone that has said LET HIM GO!

    Communication is very vital in any relationship, if you don't have that, you will have big problems, trust me when I say this now is a lil one.

    Commitment is die-hard to build something worthwhile and lasting. If its not there, why are you still hanging on?

    Respect, Sacrifice & Compromise......non negotiables too. I agree a job can be very consuming but a man's heart lies where his treasure is oh. My very guess is this babe is a back up, if a man is crazy about you, he will be breathing you 2 , 4, 7!....any excuse is bull.

    Say we even wanna give him the benefit of the doubt.....'if someone shows you who they are, please believe them' He has shown you, you don't like it, you cant cope with it.......... the arithmetic gives me - Time to Bounce!

  27. Stop wasting Ūя̲̅ precious time. Life is too short so U̶̲̥̅̊ have τ̲̅ȍ enjoy it while it lasts. Move on with Ūя̲̅ life. No MAN is worth dying for. There is more τ̲̅ȍ his behaviour than U̶̲̥̅̊ can ever imagine. Wen U̶̲̥̅̊ start giving too much importance τ̲̅ȍ sm1 in Ūя̲̅ life,U̶̲̥̅̊ tend τ̲̅ȍ lose Ūя̲̅ value in there life. Its strange but TRUE. A man who truly loves U̶̲̥̅̊ will never let U̶̲̥̅̊ go no matter how had d situation is. All d best!

  28. I agree, he might not be cheating but this isnt the way you treat someone you care about.

  29. You should also go awol for a month and see what he does.

  30. I hear (I think it was TD Jakes)it said, 'when someone is telling you who they are, listen to them!' This guy is talking to this lady so clearly. I wish she would listen.
    Two, this relationship is about this bros, he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and however he wants you...errm...girlfriend? Who is that again?!
    Like I always say to myself, my guy must not find his sleep if he hasnt heard my voice before the end of the day! Sleep ke? Is his heart beating without me?? *fluttering eyelashes*
    Myne, well done again o

  31. sure something or someone else is occupying his time.If he finds it difficult to communicate and build this relationship with you?...i wonder how your home will be if u both get married. But, sincerely is this a relationship?.

  32. I don't think there's anything dramatic like cheating or a double life going on here. Based on his own words, i think this is simply a case of incompatibility in the way you experience intimacy. It seems to me that you are someone that really enjoys togetherness but he is someone that needs space. So the closer you get to him, the more he feels the need to pull away. And the more he pulls away, the more insecure it makes you feel which makes you demand more of him. So the two of you end up playing this game of hide and seek.

    It's not that he's not into you or he doesn't care about you but sadly i don't think that you can give each other what you need out of a relationship. I don't think you should try to change yourself or him because neither of you will be satisfied. You are probably better off with someone who is as enthusiastic about togetherness as you and who can give you attention in the way that suits you.

    1. i totally agree with you. People are different. She should leave him and find someone she's compatible with.

  33. Your "relationship" exists only in your mind. To him, you're just his friend with fringe benefits if you get my meaning. I'm not trying to be cruel, but I've been a victim too. My advice to you - run now!

  34. I don't think he is cheating, but you are unfortunately not priority to him. If you are, and he is more into work than he is to you, let him realize that he could loose you if he doesn't change. Checking up on his girlfriend once a day is not much to ask. If he can not change, it is unfortunate but you have to leave him so you don't keep getting hurt unnecessarily.

    On another hand, he might not care about you anymore, maybe looking for a way to let you go, and for you to break up with him.

    I think you should talk to him (face -to -face), see how he reacts, be wise with whatever you decide to do.

    All the best.

    Just curious tho, do you always wait for him to say "hi" first?

  35. LEAVE MY DEAR. LEAVE. You deserve to be happy. This man is in it for himself alone,

  36. Hate to sound harsh or repeat anything that may have already been said but she answered the question....if this "habit" is too much for her, let it go. If he's sees that it's wrong and what's to adjust this he will, otherwise don't waste more time.

  37. Dear confused girl,
    You are obviously a good girl and your "boyfriend" doesn't want to completely let go and hurt your feelings.
    The truth is that he is not interested in a lasting relationship but is been a coward. He doesn't want to let go completely, he likes the control he has over you and that is MEAN. In a healthy relationship, sacrifices should be made but i don't see him making such sacrifices.
    My dear, any flaw ignored during dating magnifies to something much worse in marriage/lasting relationship. Are u ready to cope with a partner that is never there?

  38. I kinda had a guy like that. He put the D in depressed. We all have little things that bug us once in a while, but you cannot shut pple out like that. HABA! My policy is, I love you, but I love me more. I suggest you start to act the same way. We cannot carry our cross and all of somebody's own. Ours alone is 2 heavy 4 us which is why we give our needless pain to Jesus.

  39. Trying to understand why he is like this or wondering what he does when he disappears or asking yourself if he loves you or not is not the issue here.
    The simple question to ask is - "Can I live with this?"
    If you cannot, WALK!
    If you can, you are weirder than he is.

  40. i agree too .. i don't think he is cheating but you are most def incompatible. i have a friend like this and he went through a posse of girlfriends before he found someone who is fine with it. funny enough, he seems to be changing, albeit at his own pace.

  41. Like most people have said, something is not right here.

    You are definitely not on his priority list, at at lest not for now.
    I'll go with Benetaah.

    Wish you the best

  42. My dear, pls move on, i usually dont comment but i just had to advise you. All through last year, I was in exactly where you are now. Wasted the whole of last year with this man and he acted just the way your boyfriend is acting. Truth is that you cannot change him. He's not that into you, he has other priorities and this may hurt but you are not on of his priorites. please move on, and u wld meet someone else who would cherish you and always make time for you..

  43. Lady he's just not into you sad but you know the best news? Plenty fish where he came from. Move on. Life is too short to let someone play minnie minnie minny mo with your heart..

  44. loool... am gonna be controversial here ohh..

    STAY in fact stay very well. move in with him sef and start living and breathing him. In fact stalk him... loool... I think this is the best advice on the blog...

    loool..... if u are SMART u will no am less busy and just having a laugh... sooooooooooo we live to learn.


  45. Seriously I know your pain. I disappear too so the lady had to leave. Rather I left and told her to move on cos I may go mad if I stop disappearing. She is still grieving but she deserves better.
    So what Im really saying is if it's a genuine case of non-communication and disappearing,then I don't think you can change him. Shikena

  46. Babes,youé too good to do this to yourself. Even guys who have their girlfriends on their BB call more than 5 times a day just to hear their voice. Love indeed is blind, if not you wouldn't need to ask anyone what to do. There is no relationship here, he is your friend with benefits and so he sees you as his spare tyre. BUSY is a man's word for saying...I'M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

    So girlfriend...hop on the next available train and move on with your life. A man who loves you will never go a sec without thinking about you and longing to have you by his side.

  47. Please just walk away.

  48. sorry to say dis dear ,he doesnt really love u

  49. Oh dear. Ok I have taken pains to read all the comments just to see if I would find ONE person that would say the opposite of what everyone has said and ummm nope. I found not a comment that is not telling you (howbeit in various ways) to VAMOOSE! ZAP! Get the hell outta dodge! What are you still waiting for?!? Huh?

    Girl pick your Jimmy Choos and run like they chasing you. Chikena. Everyone has said everything I could ever want to add to this nugget of wisdom I just dropped for you. Again, just incase you forgot, the key word is RUN. RUN RUN and RUN and look back to make sure he is not within sight lol!

    From the seriously dramatic (double life, alternative lifestyle he is hiding from friends and fam) to the benign, seemingly harmless (he's just thoughtless, not into you, etc), aint nothing good about this here sitch. So. My dear girl remember the key word. Yeah.


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