Sunday, March 25, 2012

Can we please accept that Divorce is an Option?

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Yes, I am saying it again. Divorce is an option, is an option, is an option. Why do we women do this to ourselves? Some stories you read just break your heart. Marriage is good but only if you are happy and fulfilled with your partner. When the relationship is unhealthy, and your physical and emotional well-being is threatened, PLEASE GET OUT.


Seek help, accept support, do whatever you have to, but please LEAVE that toxic environment. If you're dating unhappily and waiting for a wedding to console you, marriage is more than a ring. If you're married and miserable, waiting for children to wipe your tears, there are no guarantees. If you live in a fractured home waiting for your children to grow and take you away, you may never make it.

OGOCHUKWU ONUCHUKWU did get married, she did have children, but she was never happy, never settled. Also, she is now dead. I pray her soul rests in peace. Her story paraphrases that famous bible quote. What shall it profit a woman if she gains a MRS title, but loses everything, including her soul?

We started to fight over little things. The fights were worse after you visited home or attended any of your numerous family meetings. You came home one evening and asked me to move out of the bedroom we both shared and into the guestroom downstairs. The next time you returned from the meeting, you tied me up with a rope and used your belt on me. No one heard my screams.

I remember when you told me that your family had asked you to remarry. You showed me documents of all your numerous landed property including the house we lived in. Your brother was listed as next of kin. When I asked you about it, your answer rocked the ground I was standing on. You said, “What have you to show that entitles you to any stake in this household?”You were referring to my barreness.

It is funny how to my family and friends, I was the beautiful and loving Ogo, whilst to you and your family I was a worthless piece of rag. You called me barren. I could have fled but your love and acceptance was of more worth to me than the love and admiration of the world outside our home. I desperately sought to be loved by you, Kevin.

In your family’s presence I felt unworthy, unloved and unwanted. Yet, I stayed on. I would make you love me one way or the other and I knew that one sure way would be to produce a child, an heir for you. That was the most important thing to you.

This is a confidante speaking out on Ogochukwu's behalf and you can read more of the recounting of a marriage gone bad on the memorial blog. It is too late for Ogochukwu, but not for some women out there. Please do not let this story be your story.






66 comments:

  1. I completely agree with you! divorce is an option I am appealing to women in abusive relationships please get help and get out!

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  2. But is this article true? How did she post it and know the date of her death

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    1. Please read well next time, someone who is familiar with her situation wrote this.

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  3. True and i thank God that my mum brought me up never to accept BS from men and to know that i have the option of walking out of an unhealthy relationship. i think the environment/culture you live in also affects how easy it is to walk out a lot of women living in Africa and dependent on their husbands sadly enough do not see divorce as an option for them the stigma of being a divorcee is too much a shame to bear. Plus the society around them doesn't help matters either most times i have heard of physically abused women being sent back to their husands by their own families and being told to bear it "he will change"!! African society must be willing to change its attitudes towards divorce and especially divorced women for women in such relationships to have the courage to walk out.

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    1. in the words of one of my favourite writers Maya Angelou "a woman should have enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she doesn't need to or want to...."

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  4. With all this madness and domestic violence becoming more popular now, divorce is most def an option. I read this story last night and it sent chills down my spine. The lady suffered no be small. I can't even begin to imagine all that she went through. It still baffles me that she stayed with her hubby until the end. She was determined to stick to her wedding vows: "For better, for worse". I no fit abeg. Raise one finger on me and I shall flee. Ladies please be wise.

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  5. when an average Nigerian women begets a girl child, she wants her to see her marriage as sweet and problem free. the girl child knows that her parents do have marital problems,but she also sees that her mother never left her Dad despite the problems. It becomes her own motto. it is just so sad that many women in abusive relationship see divorce as ungodly. When tragedy like this occur, you look back and wish she had left. this is a clarion call for women and men too. divorce is always an option when things won't come smooth in a relationship.

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  6. I agree that divorce is an option. At this point, the thought of getting married scares me. However, lets face facts, the problem a lot of these women have is the value our Nigerian society places on being a married woman. How many women are ridiculed every day for not being married? You only have to read some of the comments on Linda Ikeji's blog to get the mindset of our people. Some women are so desperate to get married before a certain age, they don't even take the time to get to know who they are getting married to. I know countless females who have met a guy and gotten married or engaged in less than 6 months. Even the Nigerians in America do it too. The ones who want to take their time, are pressured by their family members. It's ridiculous.

    That's where people need to start from. Not placing such a huge importance on getting married by a certain time and people need to get to know who they are choosing to spend their life with and if it doesn't work, yes, divorce is always an option. The "good thing" is that more women are catching on to that as the divorce rate is getting higher in Nigeria. Before i left Nigeria, i didn't know up to 5 couples who were divorced. I'm not saying divorce is a good thing, which is why people need to take their time and chose wisely.

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    1. Sting, I agree with you mostly, but we have to remember that the Nigerian society is us, each and everyone of us women make up half of it. We need to develop our own strength and make our own values rather than waiting for 'society'.

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    2. I agree with both of you in most of your comments.

      Like you said Sting, it is mostly pressure that makes women run into such relationships, and this is where women really need to understand their own self worth rather than crumble under societal pressures.

      Myne, true talk, women need to develop themselves and self worth, most women who go through domestic violence usually have every little self worth. Most of them will tell you that 'put downs' by their spouses already started before marraige and gradually developed from there.

      Enough of all this divorce talk. DON'T enter it to start with is what I will say and yes, look closely, one can see such! Look at his family, friends, find out about his past, look closely, don't leap, don't crumble under pressure, we hear so much about bad marriages, but there are good ones as well and people will always focus on the bad!

      In spite of all of this, someone's boyfriend somewhere will have just slapped her and by this weekend propose to her, and she will gladly accept and by this time in a distant or not too distant future we will all hear such a story as this again : (

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  7. I beg to disagree. FOR A CHILD OF GOD (emphasis intentional), divorce is not an option. God hates divorce! For people who are not born again, I have nothing to say. Divorce, Myles Munroe established according to the scripture, is as grievous as murder! When you have domestic violence and what not in a marital relationship, separation is the option (FOR A CHILD OF GOD). When you separate, time (even if it takes years) with prayers, guidance and counseling can heal things. That's my take - emphasis to children of God.

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    1. so you would rather separation in a domestic violence situation then they get back together then he eventually kills her leaving her children motherless right?

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    2. Maybe I was not very clear in my post, or you misread it because of the title. I used seperation and divorce interchangeably. What is most important is for the abused person to leave the environment. Leaving the marriage (divorce) is the final option.

      Also, separation works where the marital problems can be worked out, and both are willing to be counselled. In cases where one party is NOT agreeable, and is a danger to the other, divorce ( you can cal it a legal separation) is best.

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    3. You Mr. Samuel, are very annoying, that's just my take.

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    4. So Mr Samuel,
      After how many years should they get a divorce after being separated?After how many years can the other party remarry?or once a child of God makes a mistake,she should live with it forever?

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    5. Sorry Mr Samuel, but divorce is always an OPTION. Even for a child of God. There is a 'just cause' justification for divorce. Please read your Bible very well and in context.

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    6. LOL at Iya Bashira's comment. You should know Mr. Samuel by now. It's very sad that these types of patriarchal values are what is keeping Nigerian women down.

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    7. LDP, in this woman's case, it was either death or divorce. So, you are basically saying that her lack of prayers, guidance and counseling caused her death. Again, the woman has been indirectly held responsible. In fact, her death has been justified by you.

      The best they will say is: "she was a good woman.". WAS.

      God would have held Ogochukwu's hand, or carried her, kissed her and then led her out of this non-marriage because this is not what God wanted when he instituted marriage. God is not looking for scape goats.

      Rest in peace, Ogo. I hope the person who wrote the letter will never allow her daughter go through this nonsense.

      Marriage is honorable my darlings, so is being single. Or leaving in self-defense.

      God's will koh, man's foolishness ni.

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    8. Mr Ekundayo, I 100% agree with you. People choose to date and court in ways that are not in line with God's will and never truly look into the principles of marriage before entering and so marriage usually turns out wrong.

      God's plan is NOT for us to divorce. The devil will always fight against God's plan. For true believers who walk in God's way and know the truth, marriage will be lasting.

      I am not in any way trying to undermine the realities of domestic violence and such wickedness, but if you look closely, it all started from the roots, we can talk and argue for as much as we want, but this trend will most likely continue because people still choose to do things their own way rather than God's way and disaster will always be the end. Look, pray and consider before you leap!

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    9. Your take is rather very parochial. BTW Myles Munroe is not God. God HATES divorce but God does not PROHIBIT divorce.
      Also where does it say in the bible that people should marry "for better for worse", "till death do us part" & other phrases? Nowhere! The church came up with it and it became entrenched especially because at those times, church and state were one.
      The people of the law themselves, the ones to whom he said he hates divorce - these people didn't and don't make these vows. So maybe it's time for people to reconsider what they swear to when they marry.
      You beg to disagree and emphasis your opinions based on being a child of God; what narrow-mindedness in being a child of God who has no opinion when it comes to civil matters. It's people like you that become pastors and silently condone murder in the name of religion. There were civil laws for the Jews on how to deal with infidelity, domestic abuse etc. You hold on to Jesus talking about men PUTTING AWAY their wives and you apply it to a woman or man who chooses to withdraw from a marriage based on abuse. Read the bible very well in context, quit being dogmatic and you will realize that divorce is an option even for Christians. It's not God's desire but it is sometimes required for dealing with man's (Kevin's) hardened heart.

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    10. @Lady do you realize that there are people who are not Christians in this world and that even Christians will fail. We will not always be perfect.

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    11. To Mr Samuel Ekundayo, God may hate divorce but He also hates violence and abuse.
      So you made a mistake and married the wrong person? Jesus has already died for our sins, there is no need for us to die again.

      A corpse cannot marry or be married. So when your loved one is getting battered and beaten, are you going to be reminding her of God's hatred for divorce and when her corpse arrives, like so many women before her, will you give that as a eulogy at her graveside?

      Let's get this straight, marriage will not take you to heaven, get you a job, pay your rent or give you a promotion; if care is not taken, it will lead you straight to hell because you've made it your be-all and end-all and in effect have set it up as an idol to be worshipped!

      Thank God for the internet and blogging...we will continue to speak out until people come to that point where they are brave enough to leave, where they are strong enough to say 'thus far and no more'

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    12. What do you expect from Samuel Ekundayo? He is a typical Nigerian male that wants to spew crap out of his mouth and justify that crap by using God's name. This is the classic bullshit from Nigerian men with regards to divorce. DIVORCE IS AN OPTION (emphasis intentional)!!!!!! Nigeria is such a misogynistic society that our hatred of women is unabashedly pronounced. If two people were joined together and one of them no longer feels protected, I believe that person should leave whether it is the man or the woman. The kids at the end of it all are the ones bearing the consequences of those actions. Now the woman is dead and cannot be there for her kids because of some stupid callous excuse of a man.

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  8. Divorce: Separation (FOR A CHILD OF GOD) = Throat: Neck. Stop with the self righteousness, Mr. Child of God.

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    1. Thanks Anon,unnecessary self righteousness..it's people like this that got Ogo to stay until her death!!!!!

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  9. This is a tragic story. I will say this: Any kind of abuse be it physical or emotional is IMMEDIATE grounds for divorce. Yes. I said divorce.

    I have seen too many women stay in abusive relationships because they want to be married.

    What's wrong with being single and happy?

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  10. Hmm, this is a very sad one..touching too. I read it yesterday and it brought tears to my eyes...

    My sister was more angry than touched, she couldnt wrap her head around the fact that, she stayed in that relationship for that long..twelve years? i am not trying to judge her or anything..but these days when people dying as a result of abusive relationships has become the other of the day...I DONT THINK STAYING IS A BETTER OPTION EITHER...

    Sisters RUN! RUN for your life..

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  11. I used to think divorce is an option. Right now I dont think so. I believe is being ready for marriage. All the right elements have to come together. My perception about marriage had changed....it has to be right for me to get into it. Good thing is I am learning from all the mistakes people are making around me.

    From the story above, it was clear they were not well suited together in the first place. I cant for the life of me understand why people say their partners change in the first place.... arent there subtle signs?

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    1. There are. There are always signs. People just blind their eyes to it. Like my pastor used to say long ago 'love is blind, marriage will open your eyes.' Havent read this story, but its making its round and I get the gist. Sad sad sad.

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    2. Mamuje, just like in life, there is really no preparation or guarantees for marriage. It is very important to be ready, and to choose wisely, but situations can just nullify all that.

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    3. Mamuje, I agree with you, people who have been through domestic violence usually see the signs, but pressure and all what not makes them go into it.

      Women need to work on themselves and also put god into every facet of their lives, there is a saying that 'you are only as good as who you marry'. Ladies (except forceful marriages and child marriages), you chose to be with this man, nobody forced you.

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    4. I really disagree with this idea that suggests that marrying someone means that you agree to whatever evil behaviour he might choose to put up later. So what that nobody forced her into marrying him? So what that she might have chosen wrong, which by the way we cannot actually conclude? Nobody should have to pay with their life for a mistake. Even if she blinded her eyes to it at the beginning, i say that the day her eyes open, she has every right to do whatever it takes to save her life.

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    5. Thank you culturesoup, unless you've been in an abusive relationship/marriage, you have no idea, no idea whatsoever! It's easy to say, how can she stay? If it was me I'll leave and so on but each case is peculiar.
      What if the person has nowhere to go; no one to take them in?
      What if all your life, you've been told you marry for life?
      What if all you know about marriage is what you saw growing up which was women including your mother, aunty, grandmother remaining in an abusive marriage?

      Let's not even begin to describe the mental issues that comes with it, the constant barrage telling you that it's all your fault, that no one will want you, that even your family has abandoned you!

      Make no mistake, domestic abuse messes with your head/mind and even when you leave, it takes years to recover... infact you may even make more of the same mistake until you realise you're caught in a vicious cycle

      That's why someone people don't leave until it's too late...they think the longer they stay, the more chances they'll have of making it work; they think that they will be blamed, they blame themselves so they stay...
      That's why we must NOT stop speaking out!

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  12. I'm mad more than anything else. Poor kids. I'm almost sure she was told to pray and keep praying while sticking with her husband. I know miracles happen (i'm a miracle myself) and i in no way belittle the place of ardent prayers but biko, it is when you are alive that you can pray.

    Women just need to know when to fold up and walk away...

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  13. This is the reason one has to be very careful in this thing called marriage and also we need God's grace to be able to get the right people for us.Marriage was meant to enjoyed,not endured or suffered.

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  14. This is incredibly sad. Ironically, I just got out of a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship and I'm glad I did. Had it led to marriage only God knows what would have happened.

    God bless us all.

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  15. I've read her story all over the web. She should not have married him since his family made it clear that they disliked her. His family members were very rude from Day-1. Love is not always everything to consider before marriage. You need to consider happiness in the marriage.

    Have you read the story of the policeman that set his wife on fire? She does not know whether to remain with him or not. Can you believe that? Her pastor is not ready to give her the correct advice either. To set her alight meant that he attempted to kill her and no longer wants her. He is a very dangerous man. She should drag to court for attempted murder. I hope he does not kill her at last as his 5th 'wife'. So sad!

    http://www.sunnewsonline.com/webpages/news/national/2012/mar/25/national-25-03-2012-17.html

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  16. separation / divorce is a very very valid option. Nobody prays for it which is why people should shine eyes well before getting into it. However, nothing including marriage should be a do or die affair

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  17. Yes divorce is an option! when a man that should love and protect you becomes your tormentor then run for your life! i pray this story will give someone the courage to leave a loveless, abusive marriage.

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  18. This is sad sad!!!!, but i don't understand why she stayed, what for, she should have separated herself from the man, he treated her like an animal, imagine tying her up and beating her with a belt..that's criminal,i can't imagine that happening to my own sister, the man will sleep in jail for sure...i really wish domestic violence could be a chargeable offence in this country it should be.. i don't sanction staying with a violent man o, never! one of my best friend's husband beat her to an inch of her life, she had to stitch her head,thank God she survived, he had been beating her for years and she told no one, until that incident, because such is unheard of in christian homes... when i finally got to speak to her i asked her , what if you had died? she had no answer for me, they have been separated now for 5 years and my friend is the happiest she has ever been she has done so well, prospered, the children are doing great etc, . i know God hates divorce, but Life is precious and Jesus died to save that same life, this issue should be judged by the spirit of law not by the letter of the law, one can't just say let her stay in the marriage and be praying..no, she should pray from afar and preserve her life, is there anything to be gained by her death now, why should she die for her marriage, in her case divorce is certainly an option, her marriage was obviously a mistake from the facts given, why should she pay for a mistake with her life..but she was not very wise , really why stay put through that gross abuse, she should have protected herself most especially those children she suffered so much to bring forth, she should have fought to live for them..the bible says prov 27:12 A prudent man foresees trouble and hides himself, the simple pass on and is punished' this is the scripture that comes to mind while reading her heart breaking story ..that being said, didn't she have any family to intervene, what exactly was the cause of death , i can't tell really from the story, looks like she just gave up during the surgery, sorry Myne for such a long comment, this death is just so sad and unnecessary....

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    1. Thank you Jemima, I don't mind long comments, and I think yours is on point.

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  19. What a chilling story!!! Divorce is always, always an option. Yes, it is!

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  20. Its such a sad story, and I believe the woman would have lived a happier life. Who knows, it might have been her sorrow that just made her give up the ghost.
    I hope and pray women will learn from her story as well as all other stories we keep hearing.

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  21. So sad...so so sad!
    Whatever we feel, say or advice would only help others, so sad she died!

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  22. Ogo's story looks like it is going viral.
    So sad and so depressing. There is still so much that wasn't said in the story. After all how much of one's life can be documented in a few lines? Whatever the case though, I believe things could have been better for Ogo if she had spoken out and done something about the maltreatment.

    Why did she feel that she needed to be a hero in all this?

    So sad..........

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  23. Myne,
    To start with.I must say that you have a great blog here.Infact,landing on your page is absolutely breathtaking for me,How I wished i had visited earlier than now,but still I followed the link from nairaland.
    From my background,I would like to admit that divorce is an option but It isn't always the best option,most especially for the children in the marriage.However,principles are usually universal but applications very personal.
    Emmanuel
    (EMMANDUS)

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    1. Thank you for visiting, and I got your email too. We must understand the meaning of option, that is one choice among many. Also, a woman's best interests should be considered, most especially, her life.

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  24. The problem is not that she did not seek a divorce. The problem is that she started the marriage in the first place. She saw all the signs from the very get go and she still went into it. Believe me, someone like her would not have gone for a divorce.
    Divorce or no divorce aint the problem here, its the faulty foundation the marriage was laid on

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  25. Chilling article. It is shocking to hear such stories, I simply don't understand how someone can put up with domestic violence. If your spouse constantly abuses you verbally, WALK AWAY. If you are a woman, the verbal abuse will progress to physical abuse, if you are a man, then you can be assured that the verbal abuse will only get worse. Abuse (verbal/physical) is not a reflex act, it is premediated.

    The only thing in life that is inevitable is death. For every other thing, there's an option. You can choose to live. You can choose to be happy. Separation or divorce, it doesn't matter what you call it, just walk away and don't look back. Do it while you still can, before kids come into the picture and things become more complicated. Separation/Divorce will not send you to hell, neither will enduring abuse (matyrdom) guarantee you a seat in heaven (we are all children of God). Don't wait till the last minute before trying to defuse a time bomb.

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  26. Oh my heart bleeds as i read this. Yes DIVORCE IS AN OPTION - BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. I work in the field of domestic violence serving women fleeing abuse, sexual assault, human trafficking/sexual violence and its the same story the world over. It is the same scenario different place, difference face, different country, different contexts but the same plight. The Arms of Patriarchy is a vise grip that has its hold on women's hearts and minds the world over, every creed, every class, and every ethnicity. While there are good men out there, it feels like the bad outnumber the good and most who are abusive adhere strongly to the notions of patriarchy approving wholeheartedly its edicts that elicits man's authority over women giving him presumed ownership. Some may think the notion of patriarchy still having a foothold on our psyche a myth I dare say examine what it really means and the laws instituted to support its ideology.

    Anyone who knows anything about ideologies understands that it does not just disappear. Patriarchy (the rule of the fathers) a social construct that designates “men” as the primary authority over all things and person’s non-male is the root of this madness. Its designation and subsequent rules created to support its notions has set “MEN” as the ruler, the superior whilst simultaneously designating women inferior, feeble minded, the weaker sex and subordinate to “MEN”. These false notions of supremacy through the centuries were indoctrinated through legislated laws with a particular agenda to demoralize, dehumanize and put women in an presume position of permanent subservience was/is perpetuated by state, governments, institutions, churches and “Men.”

    Unfortunately all this ideological unreasonableness that was rationalized as reasonable was/is internalized and regurgitated by all including women. We then become part of the problem we are subject to. This is the historical context behind this need women have for the approval of “man,” the perpetual waiting for validation is a seed that still germinates even as we stand at in positions of power at the top running fortune 500 companies, commanding troupes, managing heads of states. In the social services industry (the middle) building houses, managing hospitals/saving lives, birthing children/raising them sometimes singlehandedly. In the fringes-edges of society (the bottom, the working poor) carrying our men that continually make excuses for lack of support in families, fulfilling their destines by working cooperatively and collaboratively with their wives to build a better future for their children ensuring they develop strong minds, hearts and wills. Yet with all that we do we are blinded by the internalized bonds of patriarchy from the recognizing all that we do as we yield to these archaic norms dying, condemning ourselves our lives to mediocrity, degradation and humiliation for “MEN’s,” validation of our existence, our worth, our value, our autonomy, our life. This is what dooms us. Our minds, bodies and spirits have now become the battlefield, the prize possession on which men slay to hold us infinitely oppressed to their will. Sadly some of us yield to its dominance sinking into its toxicity only to be bathed in despair, helplessness and powerlessness that renders us a cancer unto ourselves.

    Women are brilliant, resilient, powerful and masterful but we are yet to own those inherent traits, believe it, see it, and be willing to walk validating ourselves, belonging unto ourselves, understanding our worth, and stand firm in in our own authority and autonomy loving ourselves completely. It is only then we will begin to conquer this dependency for acknowledged humanity.

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    1. Thank you so much for this wonderful reply. Tears came to eyes as I read it. *exhales*

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    2. Very well said. This is why we much teach our children about feminism.

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    3. Such poetry. Such truth! Thanks for sharing Rhapsody. sigh.

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    4. Thank you Rhapsody B. Sometimes, it is very depressing to see how deep these ideologies run but we cannot stop trying to fight them. It's worth it even if it helps only one person.

      Myne, i don't know if this is possible but it would be great if there is a way to gather up practical information on how to help women in these situations from people who know. E.g. if people have links to organisations that provide assistance, helplines, shelters, counselling etc especially in Nigeria, they could post it up for everyone.

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    5. I will try and do that, I saw a link somewhere, and maybe I can look for more. Thanks.

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  27. I refuse to believe otherwise, Divorce is VERY much an option....while it may be an option of last resort, it should not be taken out permanently. I am not strong proponent of divorce, but when it comes to matters of life and death in marriage, biko pack your load and move. If you stay people will talk, if you go, tongues will still wag. Granted that she obviously made a mistake by even going into the marriage in the first place but did she really have to pay with her life? Did she?!!!

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  28. May her soul RIP.

    The marriage was not meant to be in the first place. But that being said, she should have ran for her life a long time ago.

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  29. This is a scourge of our society. In some quarters, women are considered second-class citizens so some men have no qualms about treating them worse than animals. Unfortunately they tend to get away with it.

    We all have a responsibility to put an end to this sort of behaviour.

    http://thewordsmythe.wordpress.com/2012/03/25/domestic-abusewhen-will-it-end/

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  30. Myne, marriage scares the heck outta me right now!!

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    1. My dear, it can be a scary business. But it can be the best thing ever too. Just shine your eye.

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  31. ...i read this story sometimes last week and it only added to my fears about getting married....the bible does not encourage divorce but it sighted some instances where its acceptable...if the marriage has gotten to a stage where one party is in extreme danger,then i accept its an option...i believe she was thinking what will people say if she divorced this man or rather the man will change...if she had been very inquisitive,ask questions before marrying him,she would have seen some signs.

    There are lots of women in a bad situation like this and i dont pray to join them but i pray the holy spirit be with them and show them the way.

    More so if majority while courting could do serious homework about our partner,air each others views,thoughts etc however stupid.Listen to what the spirit is saying..we wouldn't fall into this trap.May God help us all.

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  32. Religion is going to be the death of us in Nigeria.
    At this time and age, with so many examples of the tragic outcomes of staying in an abusive relationship, we still have people saying "God doesn't allow divorce"
    SERIOUSLY?!!!
    People like that would have told Joseph, instead of fleeing to Egypt with Mary and Baby Jesus to "stand their ground, for the battle is the Lord's and victory is certain"
    I can never forget what one Pastor said once in a sermon years ago. He said, "My sister was in an abusive marriage. Her husband, a very violent man. People told her that marriage is sacred and her vows binding. She must not leave. She should stay on and pray because there's nothing impossible for God. So she did. She's dead now. Killed by her husband in a violent rage. He is a born again Christian now. Regrets what he did and all. I cannot ask God how he can forgive him. But I lie awake many nights wondering how different things would have been if my sister had left that enviroment and continued praying for him from a place of safety. To everyone in such abusive situations - LEAVE! Whatever miracle God is going to do, He doesn't need you living in such danger to do it. Your being beaten and battered daily doesn't make the miracle come faster either. Do yourself a favor and LEAVE. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise"
    I have never forgotten that sermon.

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  33. I am not even going to blame her for marrying him. he prolly showered her with affection and sometimes, we just hope the family would eventually see what this man sees in us. But maybe we should be very sensitive to signals, like if he finds it hard to defend you when his family or frds are talking down at you; it's a sign oh! If he won't defend you when people talk to you anyhow or mistreat you (when he should) NA SIGn!

    DIVORCE is definitely an option, I learnt a long time a go that if a man loves me, he won't constantly cheat on me and he won't be hitting me. So, my two reasons for divorce are non-repentant ashewo-ness and violence.

    please if he hits you, don't wait till he sends you to your grave. RUN!!!!

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  34. This is so sad. I'm not really 'talking' about this case specifically because I have no idea what happened there but I'm 'talking' about abuse in marriages. It is going on more in Nigeria than we can imagine but it doesn't make headlines unless it ends in tragedy. Why are our women suffering, paying with their lives for their marriages to work? For the Christian folk, Christ already died for you so your death for your marriage accomplishes nothing, IMO. Speak out and shame these men (or women, if you're a man in an abusive relationship), the silence is slowing decimating us. Speak out to the right people, not people that will make you feel ashamed for letting them know your situation.

    I'm so sad right now because a cousin of mine is in the same situation. Her husband is a brute, yet she remains in the marriage for reasons I can't fathom. The man beat her and gave a black eye when she was pregnant with their child and hasn't stopped since then. Yet she remains! My greatest fear is that one day she may be beaten so bad she will not make it, I fear for her life and I wish she would also.

    My heart goes out to all victims of domestic violence...


    p.s: forgive any typos

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  35. I agree on that part that divorce is an option. It really is. Couples have the option to work things out between them, but unfortunately some things just can't be fixed and the best option will be divorce.

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  36. Seperation is an option dat d church supports wen there's an issue of domestic violence. However d church does not support divorce because marriage is seen as a holy and spiritual institution.Even St. Paul called it a mystery(Eph 5:32). The church sees covenant as a sacred commitment that shud not be broken(Matt 24:35,Gen 9:9-17,Gen 15:18-21). There're several seminars and preparatory classes held in the church to help singles identify challenges and understand wat marriage is all about, but d truth be told people shy away from these critical phase becos dey feel its waste of time.Those vows taken before God and man is sacred and binding(Matt 18:18-20). Many couples today aren't concerned about the future of their marriage b4 dey get into it. An abusive relationship will continue even after marriage. We need to draw close to God. Divorce is not the answer for christians. Look b4 u leap.

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