Friday, February 10, 2012

Dear Myne - I'm not Sure he's being Honest

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Good day. Please I need some advice.

Some years ago, my ex-fiance got a girl pregnant and married her. I was hurt. I knew I needed time to trust again so I haven't been in a relationship for over 3 years. Early last year I was attracted to a potential boyfriend's best friend and to avoid issues I remained just friends with both of them. Met the guy I was attracted to again in late last year and the feelings came up again. I decided to open my heart again and I fell for him. He is a very principled guy, loves God, hasn't pressured me for sex but a part of me just feels that he isn't telling me something.

I met his Dad this new year and he invited me to a family gathering but I didn't go. My guy took offence and called me personally to express his anger. Instead of feeling like I was loved and accepted by his family, a part of me just felt that something wasn't right. My "boyfriend" is very secretive about his family so I did a little research and found out that his mum was a high ranking official and they were very conservative people, so I understood.

The main issue remains that something just doesn't feel right. He travels abroad a lot but at very strategic times. Close to Xmas, close to valentine, close to US thanksgiving, close to his birthday. Basically on all eventful times of the year. I have asked him about his past but he wouldn't say. After these trips last year, a part of me began to feel that he has a family abroad, but he is so young it's hard to believe that.

Truly, I want to trust him and love him fully but its just so hard when I feel he's not being very open with me.

Today I saw pictures of him doing a traditional wedding with a white woman and I confronted him about it. He said that their marriage was soon annulled but a part of me just don't believe him.

After the experience with my ex, I don't want to be hurt again. Maybe this has made it difficult for me to ever love again or trust again?

Sorry for my long message. I wanted you to know where I was coming from. I respect your opinion a lot I must say. I would appreciate your help.
___________

Above is an email I received from a reader of this blog. I really didn't know what to tell her. My initial reaction was that the guy cannot be trusted and that he definitely still has a woman abroad. That would mean this lady could only be his wife in Nigeria. On the other hand, he sounds like a really steady person, as are his family, so that makes me think he could be honest about his plans. But, if the earlier marriage has ended, why is he still travelling? Maybe he has children, that could be the reason? I just don't know.

I asked her permission to share this letter on the blog and she said she would love to hear different opinions. What do you guys think?






24 comments:

  1. Please follow your instincts, it will never let you down. This guy sounds very dodgy. Just end it now please before it becomes messy which you obviously hate.

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  2. I've always believed in 'Trust your Instincts', always more reliable than trusting your feelings.
    Yes, he sounds steady, but if he is serious about you, why didn't he tell you about the earlier marriage before you found out and confronted him?

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    1. Please what's the difference between instinct and feelings? Is it like thinking with the head as against being led by your heart?

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  3. Hi anonymous. I feel your pain. Love is never enough in a relationship. You need an army of other "petty" things to make this relationship work and trust is a very vital ingredient you don't wanna lose. Think about this soliloquy: "Why is he so dodgy when it comes to his past? Why didn't he tell you about his supposed annulment before you asked him? If he kept this big secret from you now will he keep bigger things from me in the future? I'm going to spend the rest of my life with this man but he doesn't communicate. There is no crystal ball or magic wand to tell the future but I wanna live happily ever after. Yet my beloved blows up when I bring up such questions and avoids my inquiries." Is this the level of intimacy you desire? At this moment, its all about YOU...consider you first before plunging into that sea called marriage. Can you stomach any surprises and is he really straight with you? Answer these questions truthfully and let God lead you. God bless you.

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  4. I'll come pen my thoughts on this later but wait, where do ladies meet guys like this? In the club? Out on the street? I just dont get!

    - LDP

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    1. They are all over. In clubs, in the church, in the mosques, in the library etc.
      To the lady in question, i've got one word for you - RUN!!!
      How can you not tell you partner about previous engagements?I am not even talking about marriage.

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    2. They are sure everywhere. And of course, trust cannot be seen on our foreheads and so how to tell one good man from one who's not?

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  5. I think the girl knows the answer to her dilemma. She should just opt out cos she is only 'postponing the inevitable'.

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  6. I just have a prob with the fact that he would keep such a thing as a prior marriage from someone he's serious with. As much as you should'nt pass on all ur past baggage to a new GF or BF, there are just some facts that I believe MUST be shared.

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  7. As ilola said, I think the girl already knows what to do. Inasmuch as she was betrayed by her ex, she has every right to be suspicious of the new guy now. The fact that he was not up-front about his marriage is a definite no-no. For all she knows, the marriage might still be legal and there might even be kids involved. If he is truly a decent steady guy with serious and honourable intentions, he would have told her about his past.

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  8. ifeel for you like people have said before always trust your instincts. mine tell me that he is still very much legally married to this woman abroad and they probably have kids which explains all the holiday related visits. They could be going through a divorce and he goes to see his kids i don't know....bottom line is he is not being honest with this girl and if i were her i would cut him loose. He should have told her the truth from the word go.....the not knowing sucks i suggest she speaks to the other guy (ex potential boyfriend) he may have the answers if the boyfriend is not willing to tell or get someone to do the digging........she may need to ask herself if she is able to handle and live with the truth.....

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  9. So far nothing is wrong with the relationship yet you've created issues in your head compounded by past experiences. You are worried about the probability of being fooled again. I'll give practical solutions to your situation (not problem). It is something everybody knows but ignores.

    First of all, he isn't your husband so don't get over your head about those issues. If you wants to marry you, he would let you know if he had another family.

    Second, You need his family support. Never take a guy serious if he you haven't met his family. They way they would relate with you says a lot. Even if he was married to 10 other women, if his family accepts you, you would be the only one.

    Third, You can research, there are some things that can't be hidden and marriage was one of them. You could either go to public records or Facebook...go through his previous posts, probably to two years ago. You'll definitely find something.

    Most important of all, NEVER ask a third party about solutions to issues in your relationship. There is a thin line between opinion and advice.

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  10. Traveling at very important dates, these dates are times one spends with a loved one, children or wife . Take your time and find out.Follow your instincts for now because everything doesn't seem to add up.

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  11. the first thing that strikes me is that there is a certain timidness the writer seems to have. For something like that to have happened to her twice, she really needs to look at herself and evaluate the things she is quiet about in the beginning that eventually lead to a drawn out relationship where she catches strong feelings, but perpetually feels in the dark. Maybe not wanting to seem like a nag or distrusting is preventing her from being open and up front about what she is worried about. Airing her feelings out would have made it clear what she is not comfortable with.

    ...As far as him maybe having a family, if he does and is married i know that newer green card rules probably require him to travel to the US a certain number of times a year in order to keep it....

    #goodluck girl! - you better stop being unsure of yourself and put your foot down before it happens to you again. Men ALWAYS know what they can get away with n it's not that they don't care about you, but as long as you are not giving any wahala about anything you're easy to keep around!

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  12. she needs to follow her gut feeling its better safe than sorry.He knows what his doing.been in the same situation lucky me i was smart enough to RUN not WALK away..

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  13. Hummm... doesn't sound/feel right. The guy is obviously hiding something. I will talk to him, if he is still acting shady after that. Please run.

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  14. My suggestion comes in three parts: Prayer, wisdom and patience.

    Continue to pray for the person that God has created for you. It may be your current bf or someone else.. just pray.

    Use wisdom in everything you say, everything you see and in your actions.

    Patience, In time everything is revealed. I often use this as a prayer point.. Lord, open my eyes to see the things my human heart and mind aren't allowing me to see...

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  15. Even the blind man can see that something isn't right in this situation. Ask the right questions, look for the right signs, and pray for direction and you'll put 2 and 2 together if you havent been able to already.

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  16. Instinct never fails in my opinion. If that nagging feeling of doubt won't go away, walk away.

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  17. The story just seems fishy...just confront him, and you get the answers you need. Maybe he wants to use him as Nigerian wife, maybe not...talk to him and you know where your future is.

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  18. Hmm I dont trust this guy at all. She should just step back and watch what God will do.
    www.secretlilies.blogspot.com

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  19. pls listen to the advice on here... i really did think it was a story by Myne...

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    Replies
    1. but obviously not.. i was about to say where is the rest now?? and then realised it was an email sent.

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