Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Faithfulness in Relationships - How possible?

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Update: One of the comments raises an interesting angle. Should one partner's faithfulness be dependent on the actions/inactions of the other?

"Faithfulness isn't a trait you can sit back and expect your partner to just have. e.g. If I want to be the only one my partner has intimate conversations with, I need to let her know that. My role would be to always be available to her for that. If she goes off and has intimate conversations with someone else, i'd say she has been unfaithful. If I didnt make myself readily available, I can't totally blame her." - Think-about-it

We've read about how Dunni was broken-hearted by her former boyfriend's infidelity. In fact, she caught him with another woman almost pants down after they'd been dating for two years. In his defense, he said he wasn't the monogamous type of guy and asked her to understand. So the question is, how possible is it for people to remain faithful to one person in a long-term relationship?

I don't know if you've heard of the 2-year itch, there's also the 5-year and 7-year versions. This is a situation where people in a longterm relationship develop a desire to check out. Their eyes begin to wander, they find the grass greener on the other side, another man or woman becomes highly desirable, and in most cases, they cheat on their current partner or spouse. Especially on the part of women, many of us believe that men cannot be faithful, and that's the reason to forgive them if they stray.

Is this true? Can men not be monogamous? What of women?


  1. Men can be faithful. I believe those who say they can't or are not monogamous type of men are using this as an excuse not for their lack of self-control and discipline.
    You cannot be caught unawares by unfaithfulness; it is one of two, physical and emotional unfaithfulness.
    Wonderful topic, Myne.

  2. Honestly, I dunno about this so and so year itch, personally i feel its just an excuse given to permit infidelity.

    I dont like genaralisations, cos there are always exceptions to the rule, yes men used to be more likely to cheat but i think these days, we women are slowly closing up the gap on them.

    Men can be faithful though, not because their emotions never stray, but because they choose to rein it back once it starts to stray. My uncle has done it and although he's the only man I know that has gone 38years faithful, I believe there are others out there......like my DH...hehehe!!!

  3. Faithfulness isn't a trait you can sit back & expect your partner to just have.
    e.g. If I want to be the only one my partner has intimate conversations with, I need to let her know that. My role would be to always be available to her for that.
    If she goes off and has intimate conversations with someone else, i'd say she has been unfaithful. If I didnt make myself readily available, I can't totally blame her.
    Doesn't look easy.

  4. there are faithful men out there...they might be few in number but I believe they exist.

  5. oh and Myne, no i didnt see ur email. pls resend. tnx

  6. Of course men can be monogamous. It just that, there still a lot of men out there that have failed to learn how to control their appetite for the opposite sex. There is something about the eyes of a man; it go after whatever sees-it’s just the nature of every man. But, it is the failure to learn how to control “going after everything a man sees” that bring infidelity in relationship.
    As for women, I can’t really say much cos I’m not a woman. But, I believe women can also be monogamous. It just that a lot of women are seducers and majority of them are not aware of this fact.
    Thanks for those controversial question!!!

  7. @Aba T, thanks for contributing to this wonderful discussion.

    @Jhaz, I also don't like generalizations :) Your uncle is a remarkable man, because I'm sure there are not many similar.

    @Think about it, that's a controversial angle you just raised. Should one partner's faithfulness be dependent on the other?

  8. @Aloted, I agree, I know some of them myself.

    @Trusted Visioner, I think at the end of the day, it's all down to self control. Thanks for contributing.

  9. Speaking for myself,i'd say yes,it is possible to be faithful in a relationship.But the key to faithfulness in a relationship is LOVE.The person who enjoyed my faithfulness was the person i loved the way i love life.People who say they love someone yet cheat on them really have no idea what love is about.

  10. To be quite honest, only God can help us, really...

    It's not an easy thing to be faithful, but the love btwn u and ur spouse shud be the reason u refuse to wander.

    AGREED, when one spouse ceases to find the other person attractive in speech, appearance, attention etc, it's a hard thing to remember the love u share...

    ...but the vows made at the alter or the agreement to be ur gf or bf shud be strong enuff to hold u captive as a man or woman of his/her words...

    Faithfulness is a prayer point!
    Each partner is accountable to the other

  11. @9ja great, I love that answer :)

    @H, true word!

  12. Myne I think its dependent on the person/personality. If we're to talk relatively,men have tendency to be more unfaithful.

    Some have more self control to put that tendency in check while others can't.

  13. Thank you very much Myne. You can always count on me to open up a can of controversy... for good reason. :-)
    I certainly think it does. A union/relationship isn't a one-way street.

    Meanwhile, have you noticed that 50% of the responses so far have mentioned "Self-control" in some manner. I'd like to know what their definition of self-control is.
    I believe self-control is universal to each being. Either you have it or you don't. It doesn't sound right to say you can control your desire to stick your hand in a blender and yet cant control the desire to be intimate with someone.

  14. it is very possible to be faithful, but I can only speak for myself and hopefully my husband included. I've heard of this and it is disgusting and selfish to put your spouse whom you claim to love at risk of whatever nastiness you expose yourself to. It is about respecting your spouse and honestly many just marry because they have been reminded that it is time or they feel they have to not because they are mentally prepared nor have they given matrimony a long thought.

  15. @Mikey, true words. I see that you agree that men are more likely to stray :)

    @Think About it, somehow I agree with you, at the same time I think it's more of an individual thing.

    @Nenyenwa, You're right. More people don't give enough thought to the full meaning of marriage and the sacrifices involved.

  16. well well well, faithfulnes I think depends on your aims. If yo aims are based on marraige and not just before-marraige-romance then I believe ther wil be faithfulnes btwn tha 2 partiez. I here have been with my girl for more than 3years but I'v neva met any other gurl that i fil lyk dating or somethn, why? Cos I love my g.f cos we have maraige plans.

  17. I actually agree with the prologue. Our elders always say, "what you get enough of in your own house, you are likely not to leap over the wall to look for it"

    Men sure can be faithful, I tell you. Yes, we face more temptations than the women folks because we are very visual, thus not much of a strain for us to catch a glare. The key however is choosing to or not to. Simply put - SELF CONTROL!
    That's why Love is a decision and not a feeling... The grass may happier greener on the other side but in reality, when you move close, it just might not be the case...

    My 2cents

    - LDP

  18. Thank you Teboy and LDP, I especially like hearing from the male point of view.

  19. I wouldn't say that a partners faithfulness is completely dependent on the other but it is indeed influenced by the actions of the other to a certain extent

  20. I personally do not agree that a man cannot control himself.

    Will a man or woman desire another at one point or another in a relationship? YES

    Do they have to act on that urge? NO

    I think it's more a question of choice than of control.

    Some people have a lower tipping point than others. For them, the short term pleasure they gain is more important at that time than the long term pain they will experience or inflict on others. They experience the same level of adrenaline rush/thrill similar to gamblers. They know the risks involved but still choose to take that risk.

  21. It is possible to be faithful in relationships but the commitment has to come from both parties. Its not just men alone who can be unfaithful but women also do cheat. Long term relationships also have their cons and if the parties dont get married quickly and for the right reasons the other party gets bored and starts to browse around.

  22. puhlease - EVERYONE can be faithful. It is just like saying I lack control that is why I put my hands in fire. Some may say it is not the same, but it is the same because at the end of the day self control is self control. there is no excuse for cheating. If you cheat, accept the consequences, dont give it a label and make it acceptable. Ofcourse as humans, sometimes we give in to temptation, but I also know from numerous experiences that in all situations I have found myself in, there is always leeway for me to change the situation before i commit to doing what I shouldn't do. In the cases where I have gone ahead an done it, I chose to ignore the opportunities I was given not to. So there is always an option Not to right before you give in. lol long story, hope it makes some sense.

  23. I will have to disagree a bit with 9ja great, inasmuch as love is a core component of faithfulness, i will say discipline is the backbone of faithfulness.


  24. I think it's possible to remain faithful to each other. Men can remain faithful, if they choose to. Unfortunately, the temptation of the moment usually overrides good sense.

  25. ofcos it hurts really bad when ur someone cheats on you it does and it sucks! I know many women will say am crazy but a man cheating doesn't mean he isnt in love with you, neither does a woman cheating mean she wants you no more....

    It's like this... let's see how much the cheat wants you back ... see how much work they will do to have you back... see if they will admit to the wrongs they ve done and if they apologise and assure you they won't like never go back...

    cheating is in many ways not only sex btw.. I just like to see how much work the person will do to have you back that's all .... trust me it strengthens the relationship I have seen it work!!

  26. BUT giving an excuse for a loser is B.S. sorry but it is true.... if he cheats on u first thing is to dump his ass like FAST! then see ehat happens next

    and yes, men can be faithful! :)

  27. I think people cheat cause they either dont care or because they go into marriage thinking that because they are in love right now, it makes them immune to temptation. This makes them vulnerable when temptation comes

  28. I think monogamy is a choice. To say one can't be monogamous is a cop-out that is often a sign if insecurity on some level. If someone decides that they do not want to commit to another and are upfront with it, that's a choice they've made and shouldn't be over thought. However, if they don't disclose this and still choose to see others, etc. that's a problem. Both men and women can have a wandering eye, when it's acting upon it's then that we have an issue.


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