Saturday, May 1, 2010

Abandoned (BlogFest)

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So Lilah Pierce of The Good Grief writer is hosting a BlogFest for the The Last Line.

Endings have always been very important to me. Whether its the end of a book, chapter, scene, or even a paragraph, I always try to make sure its a good one. I usually want something that baits the reader; something that has a good kick to it. I had never put that much thought into what I did for my endings, until people pointed it out.

So, now I'm curious to see how others write endings. Do you like to end things intense and serious? Or maybe light and funny? Are you a cliffhanger addict? Or do you not even think about it at all? Let's find out.
This is my entry below, a short story I have shared earlier this week on Naija Stories.


The last time I saw my mother was when I was in Junior Secondary School at fourteen years old. So I have not seen her for the better part of my life. Yet the events of that day were so clear in my mind that it seemed like only yesterday. Another thing that seemed not to have diminished with time was the hurt and pain that followed that last meeting.

We were having an Economics lesson with Mr. Ogbonna, the only young male teacher in the all-girls school. Midway through the lesson, a senior student walked into the class to speak with the teacher.

"Belle, you have a visitor at the principal's office."

A visitor ke? It was still Wednesday and visiting Sunday wasn't till the following week anyway. Not that I was expecting anybody to come. My parents were too busy quarrelling with each other to remember me most of the time.

When I saw my mother seated in the school reception chatting amiably with one of the vice principals, my face split with a hesitant smile. It had been over two months since I saw her last.

"Good afternoon Ma," I greeted responding awkwardly with one arm to her tight embrace. I replied in the affirmative as she asked about my welfare and how I was getting on with my studies. The walk to where her car was parked took just a couple of minutes. There was a strange man in the car reading a newspaper but she didn't introduce him. Still he was too well dressed to be her driver.

"How come you were able to come and visit? I asked. She usually found it difficult to take time off work and sometimes worked weekends as well. Maybe that was to be expected of a bank manager but I had always suspected that she worked such long hours to reduce the amount of time she spent at home. Especially when my dad was there, but that also meant we got to spend less time together than I would have liked. With me in the boarding house and seeing little of her during the holidays, we had drifted apart. Still I really loved her.

"Belle, I have something important to tell you. Your father doesn't know I'm here, he wouldn’t have agreed for me to come if he knew. So I think it is best this way."

I remained quiet. When was the last time they had both agreed on something?

"I can't live with your father anymore Belle. It is just not working out. If I remain in that house, one of us might end up committing murder."

I looked into her eyes and when I fully realized how serious she was I blurted, "But you're my mother and father, parents live together. I know father can be annoying sometimes but you have to stay. You have to stay for my sake."

"It's not as easy as that my child. I really have to go."

“But mother I need you. I want you to stay please?”

"Belle I'm sorry, truly I am. When I married your father, I didn't know it would end like this."
"But it doesn't have to! Who will be my mother when you go?" I interrupted the tears still streaming. I rebuffed her efforts to hug me or wipe my face with a hanky.

"One day when you're grown up you'll understand Belle. I'm leaving for America next month and will be settling there."

My tears dried at that. "You're going to live in another country? That means I'll never see you again!"

She did her best to reassure me, "You'll certainly see me. I can pay for you to pay us visit at least once a year. You remember how you enjoyed the trip to see Auntie Rose when you were ten. We'll have so much fun exploring my new place." She stopped and stole a look at the man in the car who I noticed was looking at us now. "Obike will be with us."

"Who is he?” I asked belligerently.

"He will be your new dad and we'll be together when you visit..."

I cut her off mid speech with a scream. "I don't want a new dad; I don't want to visit you anywhere! I want our family to remain as it is now." The tears were pouring in torrents now.
"You'll like him when..." She tried again to hold me but I shoved her off harshly.

“Never!” I wasn’t going to plead any more. The curses that followed were bitter. She was married to my father. She was my mother and had the duty to remain with me till I was grown up. “If you leave me, I would never forgive you or speak with you ever again. And divorce is a sin; God would certainly punish you if you leave us...”

“Belle stop it, you cannot say such things…”

"Then stay and make me stop!” She moved closer and I backed off. “Don't touch me! I hate you and I hate him!”

I ran off blindly and though we spoke a couple more times, that was the last I saw of her.
My father became even more morose after she left and started drinking at a point. I was angry at him for allowing or making my mother desert me and took it out on him and the lots of women who filed in and out of our lives. None lasted more than a year. We only made our peace several years ago after I graduated from University and started work in his legal chambers. I am happy we did because he died last year leaving me an orphan. Almost.

Yes my mother was still alive though we had not spoken in two decades. I didn't know her or care for her. She meant nothing to me after she chose another way of life over me. I heard through the family grapevine that she married Obike after they moved and as time went on, had two more children. She sent a few letters over the years but I never read them, tore them as soon as I received them.

Why did she have to come back? It had been so much simpler when she lived in the United States. Whatever she has to tell me, I did not want to hear. These thoughts ran through my head as I stared without emotion at the pattern of the carpet between my sandaled feet. Why am I thinking about these things you ask? Why now?

You see my mother is back in the country. In fact she is right here before me. But the more shocking news is that she has terminal cancer. She only has a few weeks at the most to live. God has to be playing a very sick joke on me. Or maybe she's really being punished for abandoning me.


  1. endings go..this one is uh,whats the term used to describe the after taste of a chilled premium champagne. its bites the back of ur throat and makes u reach for another glass

  2. So is this the ending or the beginning? (or the ending of the beginning). Definitely a nice setup for something. Makes me want to find out what happens.

  3. this was thoroughly enjoyable. It was deep too and I was engrossed throughout!

  4. I agree with Iapetus999... This ending doesn't have a sense of finality to it... Leaves the reader wondering what will happen next. At least, I know I want to know how the relationship with her mother turns out... I liked this story. :)

  5. You write so real.

    This happened to my wife. Her father abandoned her as a baby, and then when he had a few months left to live with cancer, he called her up.

    Again, you write so real.

    - Eric

  6. This is so sad. Harsh words are never washed away by time, they come back to make us regret them time and again.
    Well written.

  7. seem so real, i reckon it leaves the reader looking up for a fresh paragraph. Good job

  8. Wow! That was really great - goosebumps for the 2nd time today! Great job, and thanks for participating :)

  9. So real. Crazy sad ending (more like a cliffhanger), sounds also like the beginning of something else.

  10. I'm glad my daughter was not old enough to remember my divorce. It is always hardest on the children.

  11. That was very heavy material. Wow, you drew me right in. Great job.

  12. Thanks for the comments all. This was actually written as a short story and that IS the last line. It is left to the readers to decide which it is. As we know, life rarely gives us neat endings.

  13. Very emotional. Very gripping. I hope this isn't true.

    Good job.

  14. Very unusual..original..myne! This'll make ur fan wanna ask for a sequel! Gr8 job.

  15. And myne...stop writing short stories will you! They're torture!

  16. @Ashley, this is just fiction but it happens to so many people too.

    @Wildboy, I will do as you say, lol. From now, only my work in progress.

  17. i love cliffhangers, gets my imaginative juices flowing.
    btw, how can i order ur book in naija?

  18. APPLAUSE, really enjoyed it..but is it the beginning or the end as LAPETUS99 asked? It is really torture! as wildboy said...hehehehe...more ink to your pen Myne.

  19. Depends on the story of course, but I tend to lean towards cliffhanger endings.

    Congrats on your book. I will definitely check it out.

  20. @Kibhade, but suspense makes the story shey you know? LOL..

    @Sexkitten, thank you very much.

  21. WOW!!! That was deep...I def like the way it ended!!!

  22. Absolutely breath taking! Very touching and interesting! This is the kind of story I'd refer to as "fiction, but real"...

    I am toying with other endings in my head... what if she forgive her mom and just relax with her for the few weeks she has to live...?
    what if ...?

    Well done.

  23. Very nice, sincerely told. The character lived. And what a punch of a last line :)

  24. Thanks for your comments, I'm glad you liked it...


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