Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Must it be called Love?

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Continuing on the theme of love for the season of February, I have some questions to consider. There are some people that do not like love and some that say that they do not know what love is. Others say that since there is no definition, they cannot believe in it and so it may not be possible for such people to feel it.

Are you one of such people? Will you or did you tell your partner? Have you ever been a relationship with one of such people? Did they tell you? What was your stance, to leave or to remain? Must the other person define and name their feelings as love before you enter or go further in a relationship? Read this story by Atala and tell me what you think.

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Tunde and Kemi are a young couple who live in a suburb of Lagos. He works for an accounting firm; she teaches at a nearby secondary school. They have two children, a boy and a girl - both still toddlers.

Tunde is what some might describe as the 'perfect husband'; he is attentive, sensitive, and unselfish. He cheers Kemi up when she has had a frustrating day at work; he helps her and supports her in whatever she does, whether it's chores around the house or whether it's projects that she embarks on at their local church.

But Tunde does not have any special feelings in his heart for Kemi. He definitely considers her a good friend, and he is glad to have her in his life - but he does not feel any different towards her than he would feel for any of his other female friends.

He told this to Kemi last year, while she was pregnant for baby Deji, and it caused a major crisis. He said that he thought that what he had felt before their marriage was love, but he had slowly realised that this wasn't the case, and he wanted to be honest with her. She felt hurt - how could he enter a marriage without having any special feelings towards her? But he said he's not sure he's capable of such feelings, and he would understand if she walked away.

In the end, Kemi stayed, because when she weighed the pros and cons, Tunde really had lots of good qualities which she knew were hard to find in a man. They had been married almost three years now, she was used to being a team, especially when she sees how good he has been to herself and their children.

But sometimes, she looks at him and she wishes that he could feel the same passionate love towards her that she has for him. And she worries that one day, he will get up and walk out of their marriage, since he isn't bound to it by the same love that she is...






33 comments:

  1. When I was younger, I definitely would have said it MUST begin and end with the deep passionate "can't live without you" kind of love. However,as I grow older, I realize that not everyboy needs that or can even handle it. I have met many women who say they just want a companion, someone to grow old with, some say, they would rather just have a friend etc or some just want a man for kids...

    And you know what? whatever works for them. Life is hard so I think everybody is entitled to what works for them. Like polygamy...one might be against it but if I were starving...who knows?

    I believe that it is possible to meet someone that would love you for the rest of your life but I also believe that it is also possible to be in a relationship based on friendship and companionship.

    I think as far as one has peace in their hearts in whatever kind of relationship they are in, then its cool. But the moment you are troubled because you insist on "love" or "friendship"( or whatever kind) then its no longer worth it.

    Live with what you can.

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  2. Wow... i think i'll go with waffarian on this...Whatever works for the people involved is what matters.

    On a personal note though, i'd like to believe in the notion of love in a relationship i'm in. Thats what works for me.

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  3. Lol mmhm, honestly was it not the same convo I was havin with leggy on twitter the other day, that I was about to finish her when my momsy called me to let me know that she had rediscovered my blog again? Hiss anywayz dat is a topic for another day.
    But on this subject of love, what is love? And most people have definitions for it but I really think that nobody has critically analysed this whole thing. How many different types/kinds of love are there?
    Bible mentions - greatest love - which is the love where u are willing to die for a person.
    Now some of the bloggers on here have told me they love me, but I doubt that they are willing to 'die' for me.
    So hence it is apparent that there are already 2 kinds of love.

    1. Greatest love
    2.Greater love

    Now there is love in the physical and intimate sense abi? So we add a third one to that and it becomes 3.

    1. Greatest love
    2. Greater love
    3. Sexual love

    I hope some of u can see where am going with this, because it's 1:30 am in the morning and I have not made my blog rounds for a good week. So i decided to do it tonight, talk about committment. (Later on when they are doing blogsville awards, I am waitin for the baggar who will 'omit' my name from that list, e no go better)

    But anywayz, Myne I loved this lol. Nice writeup. Need to hit the sack.(it's not a literal sack, more like figuratively).. i sleep on a pillow and on a matteress

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  4. I don't she should walk away from the marriage cos he doesn't have the feelings she would like him to have. As long he doesn't go and start catching those feelings for someone else.

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  5. Sorry i just realised Myne did not write this lol.
    Nice Write up Atala

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  6. u guys are making me dizzy! Realy wots love?? Its stil so very confusing. Now dude was honest here and i love dat madam no leave cuz his gud outdid d bad. Nice work ATAWALA

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  7. I'm with the numbers on this one...my mom and dad sure didn't have the mutual sparks yet 39 years down the road they are still together...Yeah, its harder in our generation but dude is still faithful, is a companion , is a friend and has not failed in any of his roles as husband or father.

    Love, they say, is a decision...as long as he sticks to it, i don't see any issues

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  8. Nice write up Myne's SO. I still don't understand what this 'LOVE' is all about.

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  9. yeah i agree
    while we would all love our feelings to be returned in the same measure
    i guess since there isnt any problem yet she shud stick
    he might eventually grow to love her in the long run

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  10. MYNE IM REALLY SAD AT THE MO...ILL HAVE TO LEAVE A POST LATER REGARDING THIS ONE...unfortunately its is tru and possible for people to be in a relationship and they are not on the same level ...it does not have to be love compatibility is the word that works....so wat was ur comment regarding the blog post want to hear it lol..

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  11. Given the comments before mine, I really don't have much to add except that please please, Love is never enough.Both parties can love each other to infinity but still won't be able to hold down a relationship.. That said, The guy shouldn't have said anything.. What was he feeling?An attack on his conscience? Crap.Unless you have a solution or you want to work it out or you want to leave, you don't air such views for pete's sake!Now he's put the wife in a constant state of doubt and an unending urge to please him and make her love him which will invariably lead to resignation,frustration and unhappiness.. i also agree with waffarian's view too..
    Nice write up..
    www.askchacha4free.blogspot.com

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  12. ok so everybody is sayin as long as he's being a good companion and all, she should not rock d boat abi? wot will she do wen he meets ( n ds may eventually happen) a babe @ d supermarket or in traffic dat he falls head over heels in love with "@ ist sight"?? yeah rite!!

    she should get help for him cos how can't u feel a little passion for some1 u have kids with? y should he have the same feelings he has for his other friends for her? its not ok...maybe d dude is never goin 2 b capable of havin feelings for nyone who knows. either way she needs 2 realise that ders a huge possibility dat he will bug one day. if she can live with that, then fine. As 4,me i fitn't

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  13. I don't have any advice for them, its pointless cos they are already in the marriage. But i know that it has got to be something special to get me to walk down that aisle...

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  14. Love is for people that believe in it ,gone are the days,me no wan know if the word love exist again,we just need someone to be with ,gaskia

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  15. hmmmmm....how unselfish is he, if he tells her that during pregnancy....she could have lost that kid....nways they are already married and they have kids together, they should stay together till they cant do it anymore or till he feels the same way...

    What is Love? Love is more than words...#thatsall

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  16. I think the issue here is that a lot of us tend to think that love is a kinda move the mountains phenomenon. Like weather love has varying degrees, like plants it needs a whole lot to survive on. I dont believe in love at first sight, i dont believe it is love that provokes statements like " i took one look at him/her and knew she was the one" Look down south for the origin of that one.

    The fact that the guy is a good husband means that he loves her on some level, now passion might be an entirely different one and the two should not be confused.

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  17. Such serious stuff, i agree with the first comment too, but the question is how long will this marriage really last, Assuming he develops those feelings for another, what happens?

    Yet again love is never enough.

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  19. Thanks for all the comments. This is a topic we have discussed before and my SO decided to raise it here. As usual, opinions diverge and there's no one size fits all. While I think Kemi has done what is best for her, I'm also worried like some here. What if he finds passionate love elsewhere? And I like the fact that my partner can look me in the eyes, say I LOVE YOU and mean it from his heart.

    @Azazel, how did you know this was written by AWW, is there something you guys see that I can't? LOL...

    @Barefeet, can I comment on your blog now? Try embedding the comment box or make it pop-up and we'll see what happens.

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  20. Wow that's deep...I honestly feel that love is more then a feeling and it takes more then "love" to sustain a marriage/relationship...so it's hard to say...by Tunde being a good husband and father...that could be love....so love is relative

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  21. I agree ... love is relative and means different things to different people. By being attentive, sensitive and all that, he meets the love definition for lots of girls.
    I think the most important thing it for both parties to be on the same page. People enter into relationships based on friendship, compatibility etc and it works without anyone cheating, with everyone happy and all that but I think it has to be mutual.
    Tunde didn't need to rock the boat and he is not the only one that has woken up 6months down the line to realize that what was was lust.
    He rocked the boat bcos to all intents, Kemi was okay with her life.
    Thing is also that whether he tells her the truth or not, if he meets someone else and decides to move on, telling her or not wouldn't matter. There are men who say I love you everyday while looking deep into their woman's eyes and the next hour they are saying same to another woman.
    It's about being on the same page and being honest. I think everyone planning to get married should think - ok what if this woman doesn't make my heart go gaga anymore, what else can I see in her (him too cos lots of women can't stand their husbands after a few months).
    In fact sef, the more I write, the more I see how complicated it is to define love!!!!

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  22. I read this and had a thousand and one things i wanted to write but i know it will turn to a mini blog post so i wont...

    This love business sef. All can must is a deep deep sigh.

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  23. whatever works for them, this obviously is working.
    besides, i think in his own weird and unexplainable way, thats his way of loving her. dont believe love makes everyone's heart go "gish gish".

    no need for her to leave. i do hope tho that he doesnt wake up one day to "discover" true love for someone else.

    life is hard. love is hard

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  24. Hmmm... I don't know o, it's a hard discussion, but really, love isn't the same for everyone.

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  25. If you try to analyse them, I believe you will find out that Love and marriage are two different things altogether. I am no expert but I think when you talk about love we are referring to that infatuation you feel towards some one or something. That burning desire to always be with that person, that compromising character that sees you bending backwards to satisfy that special one and that sadness that fills your heart when he or she tells you “I am moving on”. Oohh! This thing called love.

    On the other hand marriage is a partnership. It may or may not begin with love but sadly the secret ingredient to sustaining a healthy marriage isn’t love but tolerance. As I see it, Tunde and Kemi seem to be able to tolerate each other quite well. Even after he told her the truth they found a way to make the marriage work. See, marriage is more like a business enterprise, the shareholder doesn’t necessarily have to agree on the methods of the CEO but if both can tolerate each other’s points of view, profits are realised. Same with the nuptial tie.

    It is comforting to know your husband or wife loves you but seriously, how long will that passion and lovey-dovey feeling last for? Puh-lease let’s get real hear. If you are in love savour the moment but once you think of marriage think of tolerance, it is the one thing saving the little bit of dignity left in that sacred institution.

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  26. as long as you feel enough sexual tension towards me, we are compatible, and we make a good team..i'd marry you.im one of those people who dont believe in love btw two people who are not related to each other.

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  27. No, I believe in love. I do believe that it can't be defined, and is different for every person but I do believe in it!

    I have a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend, we are not only soul mates but he's my best friend. I wouldn't trade what we have for anything.

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  28. i'm with ifeoma odogwu on this..ahh me i can't o

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  29. I think underneath it all He trully loves her. I just think he probably doesn't know thats what it is.

    I'm sure he's a grown up man, who by now must have met several "definitions" of women. In primary, secondary, uni and what nots. Even at work. I'm sure there must have been ladies who must have chased him down at one point in his life, as in why didnt he choose one of them, or do you think its probably she agreed to marry him.

    I think He has strong feelings for her, to stand by her. I think if he has made up his mind and chosen to settle with her, then quite possibly he has no desire of going else where. Since all his needs are being met.

    I wish the best. She also needs to pray about it, that God to enable her husband to Love her the way she would like to be loved. :)

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  30. Omo mehn, this is one of such things that arouse my flowrations (pardon my english). Omg! I'd call what Tunde did an adolescent act. I do stumble on a particular question that often comes in different format - "Is love a decision or a feeling?"

    This scenario is a good start should one be willing to answer this question. My answer? I'd drop by again. Thanks.

    New to your blog. I am now following it. Love it!

    - LDP

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  31. interesting perspectives, but I could nto read all cos some were too long lol. but i dont knw what love is, i do know that if i were in kemi's position i would feel regret too. ps I believe in love!

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  32. Mr page has said alot that makes sense..the dovey -lovey feeling can leave at anytime and it can also develop at anytime..

    now that he treats her good says something abt him as a person, he is dependable and that is what makes a man worth the efforts in a marriage rlnship..

    but since he has told her, i would assume he's still looking for that special feeling and thats not good..i keep wondering how long this would last!!

    p:s - it's the worst feeling to love someone that doesnt love u back, i can feel the heaviness in her heart..

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