Thursday, December 11, 2014
The Lonely Life Of A 58-Year-Old Virgin
Many of us have watched the movie, 40-Year-Old Virgin with comedian Steve Carell and laughed, but in real life, missing out on such a big part of life as you get older and older may not be so funny. A California man with a difficult upbringing, blames his looks, social awkwardness, and extreme shyness for still being a virgin at 58.
As the years have gone by and his sex drive dwindled, the man says he doesn't have high hope's of ever having sex. He says the hardest part is not missing out on the sex, but in finding a mate and companion for the everyday intimacy. His story is a touching one, read below...
Excerpts from NYMag;
So, when you say you’re a virgin, how do you define that? Have you engaged in any sexual acts at all?
Nothing whatsoever, with anybody. I gave a girl a kiss on the lips when I was a kid, but it wasn’t a make-out or anything. That was before adolescence; those hormones and desires hadn’t kicked in.
What was your childhood like?
My father was very abusive. He was always telling me I was useless and would never amount to anything. Once I was in my grandfather’s plane at 12,000 feet and my dad was yelling such terrible things that I tried to open the door and jump out.
Was he like that with your mother, too?
Yes, he subjected her to physical and emotional abuse. She was a homemaker and couldn’t drive because she had a lot of neurosis. My dad was a construction supervisor and didn’t stop bossing people around when was done with work. He was in the war and, according to my grandmother, he was one of the only survivors on a ship of 250 people that blew up. She says that’s when he snapped — he had to be taken home in chains. Apparently he was a nice person before that.
Was there any sexual abuse?
Not from my father, but I did have a babysitter who tried to force me to suck his penis when I was about 3 years old. I refused and said I’ve got to go to the bathroom and slid out the window and hid in a juniper bush.
How did you discover what sex was, or explore what bodies are like?
I found copies of Playboy under my dad’s bed. I was drawn to boobs and I liked to see women in bikinis. I saw internet stuff, but a lot that can get pretty weird so that put me off. I found I’ve never watched a pornographic movie. The closest I’ve come is Baywatch or that film Earth Girls Are Easy, but I got so bored that I fell asleep halfway through. Actually, now that I think about it, I remember when I was a teenager I saw a man giving a woman oral sex while watching a movie at a drive-through.
Have you ever seen a woman naked, in real life?
When I was in my 20s, I lived by a lake and I saw some skinny dippers, but I didn’t talk to them because I didn’t think they’d be interested in me. I saw them walking on the road, but they were out of shape. I did see some better-looking ones, but I could only see their breasts. It wasn’t as if I went to watch them, I just happened on them.
What fueled your sexual fantasies?
Not those women, but the ones I had seen on the internet. Sometimes I would imagine myself having sex or holding a cute person I knew. But I don’t masturbate much these days because it just causes misery and suffering. Also, I think I’ve got to the point where I no longer have much of a libido. My sex drive is just about gone.
How often did you masturbate?
Every second or third day. Sometimes I would go a week or a week and a half. I never had any problems reaching an orgasm.
Is sex on your mind a lot?
Up until about five years ago, yes, and it was absolute torture. When I was younger, I’d lay there hour after hour burning with passion. It was like your hormones dictated your thoughts and they were stronger than I was. I recently said a little prayer and decided to stop thinking about it; also, as I said, my sex drive has diminished as I’ve gotten older.
What faith are you? Did you grow up religious?
No, I got baptized in my 20s. I moved in with my grandparents, to get away from my dad. They had little cabin by the river. It was beautiful; it reminded me of the Katharine Hepburn film On Golden Pond. There was fishing and gold panning. My grandmother introduced me to religion. Even though I’m religious, that’s not really what’s stopped me from having sex. When people ask me why I’m a virgin, I tell them I suffer from terminal ugliness. I have an eye that doesn’t line up with the other one. I’d probably look better if I wore a pirate patch.
What was your social life like when you were growing up?
I had some friends, but I was beat up a lot because of how I looked. I was a rail-thin nerd; I’d stuff cardboard in my shoes to make myself taller and my left eye is messed up. I was afraid to sleep when my father was around, so I was always exhausted. One time I fell asleep sitting up and smashed my eye on a knob on the bedpost. It severed a nerve that closed my pupil. The pain was so extreme I couldn’t face the sun even with my eyes closed because it hurt so much. I had to walk around with my head tilted.
What did you do when you left school?
It was almost impossible for me to get a job when I was younger. I don’t have the kind of face that attracts people to want to hire me. I lived with my grandmother up until I was about 30 and I really felt trapped, lonely with no way out. I got a job as a telemarketer but quit when I figured out it was a scam, so I did some construction work before going to college to study computer programming when I was 32.
So you were a 32-year-old college student who was a virgin? What was campus life like?
It was hell. Everyone was enjoying spending time with women and I felt invisible. If I got attracted to a woman, my mind would just go blank and I couldn’t think of anything to say. Typical nerd. I felt like a freak. Everybody was getting something and I wasn’t. There was a time where I was just getting so inflamed and lonely I would have done it with anyone who offered.
Did you date or have girlfriends?
I’ve only ever been on one date and I have never been in a relationship.
Do you think it’s harder trying to lose your virginity if you’re a man because you have to initiate?
I think so. Women either think I’m going too slow or too fast and I can’t seem to find an in between.
Did you have trouble knowing when a woman is interested?
I had a friend at college who pointed out that this girl liked me. He said you could tell by the way she crossed her legs when she was talking to me. “She wants you,” but I had no idea. There was another time I was at the beach by the river talking to this girl who was wearing a bikini that was a few sizes too big for her, kind of showing me her breasts. I should have realized she was interested in me. I probably would have gone for it if I had really known at the time that she was indicating that she wanted to have sex. But I didn’t do anything.
Did you ever think of just asking a friend to have sex with you so you could have the experience?
When I was about 15, I did ask a girl, but she said, "No, my mom won’t allow it" and she wasn’t going to have sex until she was a responsible adult.
But what about when you were older, did you ever think about seeing a prostitute?
In the past, I thought about it, but I told myself, What’s going to happen if I pay for sex and just have it once? It will just be worse because I’ll know what it’s like and then I’ll want more, like having a taste of a fine steak and then learning you will only get to eat hard beans and drink water for the rest of your life.
Is it fair to say that you’re scared of having sex?
I think so. I worry if I will be able to bring pleasure to my mate? Will I be a complete drag? I’m scared of getting rejected afterwards and also just not knowing what to do. I might not measure up to her expectations. I think there must be some sort of learning curve involved in it before it becomes fun. Any activity requires practice before you are really going to enjoy it.
Do you think you have a fear of relationships as well?
Yes. I’ve seen firsthand how bad marriage can be. So many people are just focused on their own needs. I consider myself damaged enough, emotionally, to never be able to function in a relationship. I think you need a certain amount of stability to cope with the dynamics. I can’t handle harsh criticism and lack the social skills to relate to another person intimately. I have such low self-esteem; I can’t take it when someone says something mean to me.
Have you felt lonely your whole life?
Yes, except when I consciously stopped thinking about sex. Before that, I’d often wish that I would simply go to sleep and not wake up. I guess there are still times where I feel that way. I live a fairly drab life in a little trailer in a place called Paradise, California. I have no mate. I have no car. I have financial worries. There’s really nobody to talk to. I can get on the phone and share little events about my life, but there’s nobody right here with me.
What about kids, is that something that you wanted?
It’s good I didn’t have kids because I’m scared I’ll end up treating them like my dad treated me.
Do you think there’s something deep inside you that’s stopping you from having sex or pursuing a relationship?
I think it’s the fear of knowing people don’t find me attractive. I had one woman tell me she thought I was cute, but that was about 10 or 15 years ago when I didn’t look like an old man. I have this story I tell people. I saw this guy and he was a train wreck. He had this white balding head, an eye that wandered off to the side, and a crazed look in his eyes. I tried angling away from him because those kinds of people make me nervous. The more I angled away the more he angled towards me … Don’t you hate mirrors? I laugh at myself like that.
If you really feel like your physical appearance is standing in the way, have you thought about ways you could change that?
I don’t have the money. But really, the biggest problem is that I’m so shy around the opposite sex. Women are attracted to confident guys and I am not confident. I end up friend-zoned. It infuriates me when I see some stunning gal who I would treat like a queen and she’s in a relationship with some knuckle-dragging jackass. I always get told, “Oh, you’re so sweet.” Well, sweet doesn’t cut it.
What’s the hardest part about being a 58-year-old-virgin?
Laying alone at night, falling asleep and then getting up in the morning and remembering you’re alone. It’s like waking up to the same nightmare every single day.
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