Sexual talk is almost taboo in most Nigerian households, and most especially for women. Many of us didn't get the 'bird and the bees' talk beyond being bought a sanitary pad when our periods started and being told to stay away from boys. When one comes from a Christian home, with a reserved mother, the issues are compounded.
Whether male or female, deciding to remain a virgin till your marriage is a good thing for many reasons, including Christian morals. However, things really go south when some prudes use the bible to instil fear and revulsion for sex within their young charges, usually female. And this must stop!
Bride of one year, Lola Akindele Busari made a vow to herself and God to reserve sex for marriage, but her experience of overcoming her fear of sex almost made her honeymoon a disaster.
She is now calling for churches to institute real sex education for young women and would-be brides - a platform for open and honest talk that recognises sex as natural, beautiful, and a pleasurable part of marriage.
She shared her story with BN, and the relevant parts are excerpted below.
Losing my Virginity
Now, it’s interesting that I can joke about S.E.X. right now – because a year ago, when we got married, to be quite frank…I was in tears when I fully realised how painful it actually was to lose my virginity. It was not a laughing matter at the time AT ALL! And I don’t mean painful in the sense that I felt I was losing a piece of myself… far from it!
And it wasn’t even the fact that it just physically REALLY hurt! The thing that ‘pained me’ the most was the fact that I was with the love of my life, we had just had the most beautiful wedding with all our friends and loved ones, dancing away and popping (non alcoholic) sparkling wine… and when it was time to now Pop The Cherry…I was too afraid! I felt as though I was not fulfilling my first wifely task.
We had stayed at the spa hotel in which we got married for a couple of days before we flew off to the Dominican Republic (and not Barbados – private joke) for the honeymoon…and I felt so distraught that I was letting my husband down. On the night of the wedding, I was full of mixed emotions. I had finally gotten married! It was all I had ever dreamed about.
I had been planning the big day since forever… It was so lovely and beautiful and my husband is the best thing that’s happened to me apart from Jesus…he waited for me and respected and adopted my views on having no premarital sex from the beginning – so WHY was it so difficult to Just Do It? ‘Nike’ lied! I wanted to…but just couldn’t.
Vaseline at the Wedding
I was very fortunate to have two married woman in my close circle of friends who gave me a lot of very useful advice, one of them even slipped me a small container of Vaseline whilst I was on the dance floor in my wedding dress, telling me I would need it for later that night. I was laughing at the time when she gave it to me. I was soon to find out (as mentioned earlier) that it was not a laughing matter at all! I was so lucky, as my wonderful husband is just the best because he was so patient and gentle.
The key is to relax they say…well…according to numerous “How To…” tips on Google that is. I tried to…but I just kept hearing this voice saying…”You’re letting him down…You’re letting him down…He waited for you all these years and now that it’s time to do it you can’t!” It was horrible knowing that it felt like I could not go through with it.
The pain, the anxiety, the fear of him being disappointed in me…there was no way I could relax! On top of that, I had heard a story about a young couple who had just recently gotten married and who had requested for an annulment of the marriage because of this very same situation. The wife felt as though she couldn’t go through with losing her virginity, no matter what they tried.
What the Church Says & Reality
At church, the message from the pulpit is always ‘save yourself for marriage’ – which is good…and it’s what I did. However, The Church seems to be producing batches of women who yes, may come to their married bed as virgins …but they are more or less left to their own devices after that.
Old wives tales, advise from mothers and jokes about it from friends aren’t really enough to fully prepare you for what to expect. I guess everyone’s different and everyone’s first time will most certainly be different – but The Church should also have in place a platform (or a session included within their premarital counselling) whereby they’re not afraid to touch on the subject of the Wedding Night and how it’s different when marrying a virgin.
It would be good to have some sort of dialogue in place between the future spouses regarding the importance of being gentle and patient or even perhaps certain positions that will help make it easier, such as propping a pillow under your pelvis (for the woman), which helps make your fist time go a lot more smoothly. (A technique I learnt from Google whilst on my honeymoon. For the first couple of days I would be like: Hold on! Let me quickly get the pillow first! Lol!) Thus couples can discuss these different methods beforehand, which should help better prepare them for their wedding night.
However the most beautiful part of it all was remembering that God does not give us more than we can bear. He had blessed me with such a wonderful and caring husband and my hubby was so sweet and just kept telling me “It’s ok, don’t worry about anything… it will happen.”
There’s no way I could imagine going through that process with someone who didn’t love me or who was just using me, as some women and even some teenage girls have to go through.
I asked the Holy Spirit to open up everything that needed to be opened in order to make this happen and to give me the ability to stop over thinking everything and to just relax.
To make light of the situation, my husband so lovingly reminded me that the children that we’re looking forward to having one day, are going to have to come through this avenue. We laughed… and laughed some more.
It was good to be with someone who was so calm about the whole thing and that also helped to make everything easier. Something that is supposed to be a natural process of life, something that I hadn’t experienced in all of my 26 years, but was now ready to experience… was NOT going to be turned into something that would now try and steal my joy. Oh no honey! When I prayed, I prayed for Wisdom – wisdom for how to best deal with the situation and for the strength to bear the pain and to overcome it so that I could please my husband and so that we could both enjoy something that God himself had created for us to enjoy in marriage.
Read the full story on Bellanaija.
1. Not all first times hurt for every woman. Some women do NOT experience any pain when they have sex for the very first time.
2. Vaseline is not the best lubricant for a woman. Only use petroleum jelly when you have no other option as it may affect the health of your vagina. If possible walk into your nearest pharmacy and ask for a sex lubricant. KY Jelly is usually the cheapest and most widely available brand. Some condom brands also have various options available.
3. Putting a pillow under your hips really does work, or you can learn to tilt your waist so you're not horizontal on the bed. Also learn to move your waist to match your partner's movements. That helps things along, and gives you more pleasure too.
4. You may not orgasm during your first sex or even for every sex after that, and you many never orgasm from penetrative sex, However, I think most women can orgasm if they and their partners want to. Oral sex and manual stimulation [fingering] are options as they provide the closest contact to most women's most erogenous zone, your clitoris. And women, feel free to touch yourself, I mean your vagina, to find out what works for you.
Sex experts, feel free to add other tidbits.