Monday, September 8, 2014

Dear Myne - I'm African-American And My Nigerian (Igbo) Man Won't Introduce Me to His Mother

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Hello Myne,

I have been following your blog for a short time and I found you because I am dating a Nigerian Igbo man and was curious about his culture.  I would like to post a question on your blog for some responses. Here is my story:

I been dating my Igbo guy for 11 months and he has been everything that I wanted in a guy.  He communicates with me daily via text/call, we see each other at least 2-3 times a week depending on our work schedule.  Last what I love the most is whatever he says he's going to do he does it. If I need anything he's there. He does not say I love you often, but he greets me with a kiss every time I see him and he does show affection so I am ok with that.

However my issue is in the 11 months I have known him I have not been to his house, or met any of his family.  I know that he works and what he does, but I don't know where it is located. His mother lives with him right now and he has shared with me that his mother wants him to marry and African woman because his brother married a Jamaican woman and since his parents were in Nigeria at that time they had no say on it.

But now since she lives in the states I assume she wants her opinion to be known. He has shared that he has been getting a lot of backlash from his family about dating an African American woman.

He's told me that he's wanted to invite me a couple of times and he would have his mom to cook, but he always changes his mind. His family has impacted at least 50% of his reasons for me not meeting them or visiting his home.  I am seeking advice from other African men/women and African American women who have experienced this or know why they are like this.

P.S. He is a citizen now, he obtained his citizenship in 2007 on his own not through marriage.  Majority of his family is in the US besides 1 brother and 1 sister. So I am sure he is not trying to scam me, because he has never asked me for a dime.






6 comments:

  1. I wondered at first if he needs you for papers, but you have clarified that. Perhaps, he's slow in introducing you to his mother because his mother does not approve of you and might have said to him something along the lines of, "I don't want to see that girl here."

    That said, your best bet is to have a conversation with him. The average Nigerian cares a lot what his/her parents/family think about his/her choices and this is a double-edged sword. You want a man who is attentive to his family, but knows where to draw the line. So have a conversation with him and ask him the real reason why you haven't met his mom.

    Also be mindful of the kind of man he is. If you get married, when push comes to shove, who will he pick? Goodluck!

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  2. I am happy he isn't trying to scam you but my thing is in this marriage if he goes ahead and marries you without his family's acceptance what will happen to you in future? Nobody knows tomorrow. If something happens will he be by your side always or will he stick with his family? Like the first person said Nigerian men are seriously bothered about what their families especially their mums think about their spouses. www.secretlilies.com

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  3. I feel your pain and his dilemma. Nigerians believe African-American women to be brash, uncultured women who make "bad" wives, and as such most mothers don't want their sons marrying an African-American woman. I know it is an unfair misconception, but that is the general belief.
    Personally, I think he's trying to spare you the hurt of rejection because, if he rebels, his mother could disgrace him (and you) with cold receptive and acidic comments that will leave you hurting. His delay could stem from the fact that he's probably trying to clear the ground before he presents you to his mother, because at the end of the day, Nigerian men being family-oriented want a wife who gets along with his family like one big happy family.

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  4. Run, and run as fast as you can away from this man. The same would be true for a man from any culture who does this. There is a reason why he does not want you to know where he lives and where he is his truest self. He may have another woman there, and I'm not talking about his mother. Either way it's highly disrespectful for someone whom you have been with for 11 months and who probably knows your own address to behave this way. The long and short of it is that he doesn't trust you with this information, so why should you trust him with yours. Don't fall into the trap of sticking with him to earn his respect and then his trust enough for him to reveal his home to you, you may never earn it, and this could be just a control ploy he uses to keep you at bay yet within reach

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  5. Its a tough one but you can work around it. My older brother, only brother (state this because we are Igbo, so its important) is dating a wonderful African-American lady who we ALL love. Prior to her, he dated this African-American lady that was just horrible, and added NO value to his life. It really just seemed like he was headed for doom if they married and it really wouldnt have lasted long. Even if she were Igbo from the same town, none of us would have wanted it.
    With the second lady, they are at the point where we know he is going to propose and it can happen any day. She has warmed herself into my parents lives, because of her, he calls them ALL the time, remembers birthdays and all. She even learns to cook Nigerian food, and sometimes she will make stew or cook goat meat and bring over. They go to Nigerian and Igbo events, and she calls my mother quite often.
    Dont wait for him to do a formal introduction. Cook some Nigerian food, and give it to him to take home, with or without you. I wouldnt say run, he is in a tough spot, and may be trying to figure out how to deal with it. Develop a tough skin, as the first few encounters may not be all open arms, but as you keep being warm, and nice, show love even when others dont reciprocate, talk to them, and express eagerness in learning the culture, and they will open up.

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  6. He is married! Let's just be real with this lady. Ada, did your brother hide his last gf...no, she was hideous but she knew his home and work, this one does not know his house. What?? Abegi, make una talk true. Ol'boy is playing her. We see it all the time. Why hide his work place and home? Come on ladies.

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